Your final paragraph hits home to me, because I know that my reactions to being thrust into the situation I was thrust into were read by others who knew nothing about what I was going through and who judged me to be the difficult person (he is very good at maintaining a compartmentalized life in which his public persona is characterized by rationality and reason).  When I began thinking about the ways this had been true in our marriage even before the revelation--because I was being manipulated and reacting to that manipulation and my certain sense that things were off (and being blamed and blaming myself)--that made me crazy grumpy.  
  These days, in fact, what I am trying to do is to figure out what is genuine about myself, good and bad, and what was the product of his manipulation and gaslighting.  It's kind of a "what DO I have to blame myself for?" exercise, with a view to fixing what I need to fix in myself.  But it's also a "What DON'T I have to blame myself for?" and a "What do I get to be proud of in myself?" exercise as well. 
     I want to acknowledge what's strong and healthy in me and work to enhance those positive qualities, to leave behind the behaviors and attitudes that life in that untenable situation inculcated in me, and to work to eliminate the blameworthy, unhealthy and maladaptive qualities and behaviors and replace them with healthy ones.  
   I agree with you: I wasn't co-dependent.  I was gaslighted and manipulated.  I was living a lie without understanding that it was a lie, thinking it was the truth.  Many of my good qualities were used against me--weaponized--and some attitudes and behaviors developed as a part of that manipulation.  Replace the "I" and "me" with "we" and I think it applies to all of us here.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 27, 2019 3:14 pm)

MJM017:

“A woman who loves too much.”  Gah!  That same love, in a healthy relationship, would be a gift to your partner, to your children, to all who came into your home, and to you also, as you would find your love reciprocated and reflected back—in a healthy situation. 

My therapist and I have explored how many common definitions of “Codependent” are actually behaviors our culture admires in wives and mothers.  So women are socialized to develop these behaviors.  Not sire if it is the same for men,

About comparing:  I guess I have been comparing things as a kind of thought exercise.  Like, “what is betrayal?”  “What is sexual assault?”

I think it does a disservice to things when we try to create a hierarchy. Or, if we pretend something is not anything just because it is not a particular thing.  Like my husband saying, “it was NOT intercourse!” OK, but it WAS seeking intercourse.  “It was NOT pay-for-view porn!”  OK, but is WAS a lot of free porn. 

“It was not rape” does not mean it wasn’t something else significant. 

I think comparing and contrasting just helps me see things better.  Dissecting.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 27, 2019 9:14 pm)

I can totally relate to a lot of what you're saying. I feel very stupid at times too. In the very beginning there were a few very small red flags. But they could easily be explained away with other things. And for the beginning of our marriage he seemed very into sex, initiated a lot, enjoyed it, etc. He was different than the other 2 guys I'd been with but he just seemed like sex was more of an emotional thing with him...isn't that what women everywhere say they want? LOL But none of that helps me to feel less stupid.

As for dating again. I just started seeing someone about a little more than a month ago. I finally left my husband 6 months ago. But I processed the situation and mourned the loss of our relationship years ago so I felt ready. And I am. I want to be with someone. Today he called and asked me to help him run some errands. "nothing too fun, but I want to see you" and God did that feel good. But, I'm having so much trouble trusting that the sex is real. I constantly think he's faking it or that I'm just convenient and he's with me until somebody better comes along. I hate it. He's a really nice guy who has been through a lot with his divorce...wife cheated and it devastated him to lose his family. He dated one other person and admits it was a rebound situation. I'm worried he's faking it with me and he's worried that he is my rebound guy. The damage done to us is ever lasting I'm afraid. 

I do really like him so I keep plugging along hoping those doubts will end soon. I guess that's the best we can do, right? 

I was doing really well for the last few months. Thought it was all behind me. Then BAM, we told the kids the other night and it all came back with a vengeance. I guess that's my way of saying you aren't alone.

*hugs*

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

JKC, I think the grief kind of spirals over time. Your good for awhile then BAM .. it’s like stepping on the proverbial garden rake hidden lying on the lawn. Comes out of nowhere and hits you in the face. It fades again but Is annoying. I think we all have different triggers from our marriages.
I’ve come up with tactics that work about half the time for triggers. When the thoughts come I try to let them pass - not ignore or repress them but not feed them either. At a minimum I wait 2 minutes, sometimes 10, sometimes a day, before I address them with myself or my wife.

That sounds like a good description...garden rake to the face about sums it up. Your tactic sounds good. I find it very unhelpful to talk to my STBX about any of it. He will never admit that he screwed me over big time. To him the situation just is...it's not that he knowingly led me into a marriage that wasn't real. He's never said he was sorry. He does everything I ask divorce related though so I guess there's that. I make more than him and he could ask for alimony but he is waiving his rights to that. That would be the ultimate kick to my face if I had to literally pay him to go away. 

I'm glad you've found a way to get through the triggers. Mine come less and less often. It helps that he does finally admit he's gay. No more denying and gaslighting helps a lot.