OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Phases in uncoupling and recovery

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** June 23, 2019 8:21 am

After my then-husband's trans bomb drop, I, like all of us, have had to go through a lot of phases, some of which I wasn't able to recognize as phases until distance and perspective allowed me to understand them. Disbelief, denial, bargaining, excusing or explaining my spouse's behavior or attitudes; phases that eventually gave way to the re-framing of his behavior and the emotional detachment necessary to overcome my resistance to accepting the truth about my spouse and my marriage, and, in my case, ending my marriage. I think this is something many of you have also experienced (or are experiencing).
It seems to me that as we begin to understand the dynamic that has been underlying our marriages, we realize the way that living with a closeted or in-denial spouse has conditioned us over time, how we learned to blame ourselves, avoid conflict, make our needs smaller and smaller. Then we feel the anger and resentment that comes from having been manipulated, cheated, defrauded, gaslit, blamed, etc. We feel keenly the loss of what we were not able to experience because our spouses lied to us (and often to themselves), and we feel grief over that loss. Walkbymyself and OnMyOwnTwoFeet, in particular, have written eloquently lately about just this experience and their feelings.

It took me three years after disclosure to go through enough of these phases that I could leave and divorce my spouse.
Throughout my marriage I really believed that I was the problem, and that it was on me to fix the problems in the marriage that my problematic, faulty self had created. I continually made excuses for my now-ex's behavior throughout our marriage, and if I couldn't make something my fault, I attributed his hurtful behavior variously to his own past, to his personality, or I minimized it by ascribing it to just plain momentary thoughtlessness. I never saw a pattern to his behavior, so I could not think about what that pattern of behavior was telling me.
Only after leaving him did I begin to see how I'd been conditioned to believe I was the problem in our marriage, the many ways he communicated this to me, the ways in which this affected me, and why he needed me--and himself--to accept that judgment and that narrative. As I did begin to see this, I also began to refuse the blame.

Now I think I am in a new phase. I no longer accept the old idea that I was the one to blame. But now that I'm really free of him (many of you know my story; although we divorced, we still worked together until I decided to retire early to free myself of having to be around him at all; last week I completed the tasks to retire and moved out of my office), I am feeling that I now have the opportunity to root out the patterns of thought and behavior instilled in my by my ex and to recognize what patterns of behavior--maladaptive and healthy--are in fact my own. I can't go from his blaming everything that went wrong in our marriage to be a result of my faulty self to my blaming everything that is not healthy in my own personality and character on him. I am now in a position to examine myself honestly, and to take the steps to become a better, more healthy person. (I think this is part of what Chump Lady calls "fixing my picker," although I'm not doing it in order to get a new partner.)
It feels good to be here in this new phase. I think it means that I am ready to move into my own new individual future. I'll never put what happened, the unrecognizable person he became, and the horrible way he acted and horrible things he said "behind me," in the sense of forgetting it ever happened. I've been changed by it, in some ways I would prefer not to have had to be. But the place I am now actually feels good.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 23, 2019 8:29 am)

**Posted by De_Profundis** June 25, 2019 11:48 am

New here; working my way through introductory posts and also recent posts. I'm so, so thankful that I found this forum and so grateful to you all for sharing your thoughts.

I feel like I've gone through a lot of phases already, even though my "discovery" was not until fairly recently. I wonder if, on some level, I was going through them earlier in the marriage, when other problematic things (lying, unreliability, secrecy, lack of intimacy) were happening. I feel I must have started to detach earlier than I realized, maybe. Sometimes I feel the deep, deep pain of betrayal and regret for the wasted years, but at other times I feel stronger than I thought I would.

I will post more soon.

**Posted by Leah** July 1, 2019 7:12 am

Dear OOHC,

Congrats on your new phase. It is true that we circle the drain getting out of these relationships where repetitive patterns of blame and deceit cloud so much of both the situation and our perception of ourselves. And it is so liberating to finally see more clearly our own boundaries. I certainly feel that I am only just starting to get some clarity about what really was mine to own in our long life together and the issues that came up.

I’m now nearly four years post disclosure and it seems that I can still get caught in blaming myself as being ‘not enough’ or ‘crazy’ because it is such an ingrained mental habit. And seeing it clearly is so hard when I am feeling anxious and depressed about my new life which I still sometimes struggle to fully embrace.

I discovered gay porn early on, and I am starting to see how much I denied my own discomfort, made myself smaller, my needs less important because I had sympathy for his struggles. So really looking at myself now as a mature woman who has childishly looked to her partner to tell her who and what she is for so long is painful. I betrayed myself in some ways. I asked for divorce without the evidence for years feeling I was demanding ‘too much.’ The anger at the deception and theft then sometimes rises and then fades again to a more manageable level than earlier on.

Now I too am entering a stage of introspection. I’m meditating and recently went on a Buddhist retreat that really helped me to see my mental processes in all their glorious confusion. This is a difficult thing to get our mind around. It felt like it was me, but it wasn’t. But as part of a long marriage, I still have to sort out - as you said you are doing - what I need to work on that this experience has brought out.

Like you, I sometimes am amazed at how strong I am and then other times I’m bowled over with the pain of it all.

My ex-MiL is dying, probably this week, and yet I am utterly excluded. 27 years part of that family and my GIDXH can’t even respond to a short email expressing my sympathy. It is like mourning a thousand deaths at times - parts that keep turning up for their turn to die. This week I feel like my previous mourning the loss of my in-laws who I loved has come up again and I have been soooo tired and tearful and hurt by that utter indifference of my GIDXH who has remarried a woman now. And who is insistent on his moral superiority still. I have to really withhold any urges to contact him at a time where I am sad and losing someone who was like a mother to me for so long. It is all just so unfair.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** July 1, 2019 9:18 am

Leah,
Of course your mother-in-law's impending death would bring up your feelings of loss of your former family (you in-laws) and a renewed mourning of that loss.
I'm so sorry you are excluded from the circle of mourning for your mother-in-law, and denied the chance to share with others her place and importance in your life and in the common life of your extended family. I hope there are people among your in-laws to whom you can convey your thoughts.

Time and perspective are continuing to teach me that, like yours, my ex will never exit his closet, and will therefore defend both his closet and his belief that it's necessary he remain there with all the weapons in his arsenal. They sow destruction, but they reap its effects, too.

DeProfundis,
I too went through many of those stages before I left--in fact I think I had to in order to leave. It's a recursive process, getting free.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 1, 2019 9:19 am)

**Posted by Rob** July 1, 2019 5:41 pm

Leah,

So sorry about your ex-MIL. I see my ex-inlaws when they pick up the kids and I always tell them how much I miss them...like you I knew them for decades..

If not in this life, in the next you will see her again.. and you can give her the biggest hug. God sees and knows.

**Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet** July 1, 2019 6:27 pm

Leah, I too am sorry to hear about your MIL. Death is one of the most important times to honor the life we knew, and to grieve for losing that person. It is truly mean spirited for your XH to exclude you—and not even directly, but just in an “oops, overlooked you” kind of way.

It is gut wrenchingly hard to grieve the spouse we have loved, to grieve also that their loss of us is not really a comparable loss to them, but perhaps even a relief to them. It is almost like being truly hated is better than being just overlooked, though we also get so much hatred and anger directed to us as well.

But then to grieve all the other relationships we lose, even if they are just changed. Children. Shared friends. Opportunities to do couples events. Spouse’s work associates of many years. And of course—our own in laws who have been our families for so long. In so many ways it is worse than grief of a loss, because we also know that our love and commitment and goodness are likely being distorted through the telling of our GX’s. A loss we are not responsible for, plus a betrayal.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (July 1, 2019 6:29 pm)

**Posted by Dixiepixie** July 9, 2019 9:58 am

So sorry to hear about your MIL........

I'm uncoupling now, every night is like a ticking time bomb.

**Posted by beingatpeace** September 27, 2019 10:07 am

I just started reading your thoughts and learning about your journey, congrats on your progress! So proud of you. We deserve all the happiness and peace in the world!