OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Detachment tactics when you still have to interact with the ex..,

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** June 18, 2019 11:29 am

Anyone have any tactics to share to brace for the interactions with an ex?

I came up with one that helps... Chump Lady talks about getting to ‘meh’ in any emotional connection with them...so that’s her name now on my contacts list on my phone. So when I get an email or text from her it displays as ‘meh’ before I read it. It instantly reminds me to defuse and she has no power. It takes me out of any reactive mode instantly.

Any other ideas or tactics?

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (June 18, 2019 11:45 am)

**Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet** June 18, 2019 7:36 pm

Different situations, same problem! I am still sharing a home, but not a bedroom. Kids at home too, and plenty of public family times. Currently I need to make it seem that all is good.

Lately, it is really working for me to actually engage, but with a plan ahead of time for his I am going to do that, so that I am in charge of the conversations. I have specific topics and questions I’ve thought of to ask my husband about, like a trip, a conference, what did he see on his run, etc. This takes away the tension that inevitably comes up if there is no conversation at all. When there is silence, my grief and anger fill up the space. And that tension would create more tension and emotional pain. Essentially I am hiding my continued process of detachment by showing connection. It is weird, and hard, because it seems like maintaining the relationship. But it is my plan, and I am intentional about it, and also have an “escape plan.” Meh in the background.

**Posted by Whirligig** June 18, 2019 9:03 pm

I act like an asshole until they leave me alone and then I go home later and cry because I want someone I can't have and am probably better off without. Clearly I am an expert at this. You may all want to take lessons from me.

**Posted by Whirligig** June 19, 2019 8:10 pm

I'm not even sure it works without kids. I know it's probably a poor coping mechanism. I don't like how it makes me feel to behave that way but if I don't I start thinking maybe against all odds it could work. It can't. And I don't trust myself not to try so it's the only thing I can think of to stay away from them. It just hurts and I'm tired. I don't want to feel anymore.

**Posted by Whirligig** June 19, 2019 10:28 pm

I didn't get as far as marriage or even a relationship. I had a multi-year previous relationship with someone else I strongly suspect may have also been GID, though, so I think the combo has made this much harder to get over than I anticipated. There was also a great deal of deceit, involvement of other people, and leading me on. For what reasons I don't really understand but by the time I learned the truth I was invested emotionally. I thought I was creating a friendship with someone who might be more...and so here I am. I still have to see them for other reasons so can't disengage completely. I also don't want to hurt them...though I struggle with anger and am not always my best self. I don't know how any of you do this long term. The previous relationship about killed me. This time has it's own version of pain. Thanks for the kind words. I've been very sad. Sometimes I feel like an odd duck in the forum but I try to think of myself as a pre-type to others experiences and hope maybe someone can get some use and comfort from my perspective too.

**Posted by walkbymyself** June 20, 2019 12:01 pm

Whirligig wrote:
I act like an asshole until they leave me alone and then I go home later and cry because I want someone I can't have and am probably better off without. Clearly I am an expert at this. You may all want to take lessons from me.

Apparently, it's you who are taking lessons from me.