OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What is love? What is marriage? What is next for us?

**Posted by Olebeecharmer** March 21, 2019 11:32 pm

My husband and I are both bisexual. However, our sex life has diminished and I believe he wants to be with a man. We are very physically affectionate, just not sexually attracted to one another anymore. I have recently been pushing him to recognize that he is unhappy and to figure out if he wants to stay. In our discussions, it is clear that love is not the issue. But can you have a loving, meaningful relationship without sex? Is it really love? Yet we're both devastated at the idea of being apart.

We have also been discussing alternatives to monogamy. I've never had any ethical issues with polyamory in theory, but I never considered myself emotionally secure enough to be successful in that kind of complex scenario.

But when I boil it down, my biggest fear of it has always been losing him. And now, that's what's happening anyway. So it suddenly seems doable.

And since we've been talking about splitting up, I've even been able to visualize myself dating again. Another reason I was opposed to opening our marriage was because I thought it would be lopsided. I'm a very solitary and independent person so I couldn't imagine myself seeking companionship elsewhere. Now that's changing, too.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up or grasp at straws. I don't want this to end and neither does he. But we both deserve to be completely happy and fulfilled.

Is it possible to love someone in all ways except sexual? Is it possible to stay together and still find ways to be happy? Is opening our marriage being progressive and bold or are we just afraid of losing what's comfortable and safe? I have so many questions and no answers.

And...sorry for getting the What is Love song stuck in your head. It is totally stuck in mine now. Baby don't hurt me...lol 😁

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 22, 2019 2:02 am

Olebeecharmer....this is a site for straightspouses. Neither of you are... straight right?

There are probably LGBTQ sites more suited to your particular situation

**Posted by Olebeecharmer** March 22, 2019 4:58 am

Please do not get hung up on labels. I have gotten a tremendous amount of help from this site and have found my experience is similar to straight spouses. We live our lives as a straight couple because that's what people see. We fell in love, made a commitment to each other, got married, had a child. I prefer men and feel no loss having committed to a relationship with a man. He has begun to feel like his life is lacking because he's never been with a man. Our marriage is in trouble because of it. Doesn't that qualify?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 22, 2019 6:06 am

Almost your first words were...we are both bisexual.
You....used a label.

**Posted by Olebeecharmer** March 22, 2019 11:09 am

Because that is the truth. The same as if I had said I have brown hair or I'm 5 feet tall. It is not irrelevant. It's a part of our experience. But don't assume that I don't have something to gain from listening to the advice of others here just because my situation is a little different.

**Posted by Duped** March 22, 2019 11:48 am

Of course you are welcome here. Maybe post in the main section for support. You are experiencing the same emotions as we all do, I hope we can help.

**Posted by vicky** March 22, 2019 3:35 pm

Hi Olebeecharmer,

Welcome. I think you can make your marriage whatever you want however it makes you happy, if that includes sex or doesn't or is open or monogamous than that is up to you. It depends on how much you BOTH are willing to work on it.

I'm on some other forums and some people find opening their marriage up actually improves their sex life with each other, others find the opposite. You should join MMOMW on yahoo groups. There are so many posts and links to podcasts and books by others who have open marriages I think you'd really find a lot of information there. It's fairly active too, much more so than this thread. Lots of discussion on how you could approach it. A quick list off the top of my head of suggestions I've read there:
- some have a monthly 'check in' where they have a set time that they agree to keep open so they can sit down and talk
- agree that it's not written in stone that you can change your mind if you're not comfortable with an open marriage

I'll keep thinking about it.

Vicky

**Posted by ReImagining** March 23, 2019 2:53 am

Hi Olebeecharmer,

I think it's good that you found this site helpful and you should feel welcome here. I agree with vicky that you and your husband should try to figure out what each of you want and how you see your future independent of each other. By that I mean, each of you should think what do you each want in a relationship with another person and how important each of those things are to you. Finding your current authentic selves so to speak and then seeing if your authentic selves can mesh or not to help you decide if it might be time to move your separate ways or not. You both definitely deserve to be happy in your lives and relationship and I wish you the best of luck.

Just don't be close-minded about your family situation. I've known families where the couple separated and divorced, and when the kid started having trouble in school, they adjusted by getting an adjacent house so that one parent and their new spouse lived in the one house and the other parent lived in the adjacent house so that they made a close coparenting situation and the kid freely went from house to house with both parents. With open and honest communication and the will power to realize what you want, a lot of things can be possible.