Welcome Brokenhearted, 

I lived so much of what you shared as well.  I too made those incredible efforts to earn her love and desire and never got any of those things we desired.  Instead she gave them away to another married woman. 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and what is to come. 

I do hope you will find some silver lining from me telling you that life will get better.  But I know it's going to take you a while to get through this. 

I'd love for you to start your own new thread and tell your story so that we can all see your posts and dedicated our support to you specifically. 

Thanks for joining and thanks for the kind words.   

All my best!

Phoenix,

Thanks for your story and providing some hope.  

I still don't know what I'm going to ultimately do, but it's nice to hear from someone that didn't end up a depressed alcoholic in a bar corner somewhere.

Broken-hearted, I was so sad to read your story.  It must be so awful on so many levels.  I really hope you can find some people to listen to all “the feels”! 

And thank you so much for your comment about “staying in my feels.”  It really struck me, as it gave voice to something I have been trying to understand about my own experience. 

Holding back my feelings is something I too worked on very very hard in the years leading up to discovery.  I felt like it was an important part of “being better “ and “doing better.”  It had become obvious to me that my feelings—whether about the relationship or anything really—just having feelings of any kind—these contributed to my husband’s  frustration with me.

So as part of my work to be a better spouse, I had worked so very very hard to be a caring and loving person, but not care about feeling love in return.  I had worked so hard to care but not share, working harder and harder to be a better listener to my husband and to everyone around me, but to never be a burden to them.  I had worked so hard to cover up any sadness or worry or pain I felt in any aspect of my life.  Even if I had a painful physical bump in the middle of the night.  My tears were just not ok. I had to find the positive.  To stuff my own feelings down. 

At a certain level, yes, it is good to hear others’ pain and to look for the good.  But this was all out of proportion within my marriage, and entirely one-sided.  In the system of my marriage, I just could not see what was happening.

And now!  Now that I understand better what was really happening, all those feelings are so SO strong.  All the feelings not just of the revelation, but also all the feelings from the past that I thought I was “wrong” to feel. All those times I told myself I was too sensitive or that I expected too much or that I complained too much or that love meant loving others and requiring nothing in return, etc.—even though I knew deep down that I was NOT oversensitive and not a complainer—and I knew I had very few expectations.  But it had become far too threatening to my husband for me to have (or show) any feelings at all. And it had gotten worse and worse.  Even as I tried not to show my feelings, my husband wanted me to feel less and less. 

Meanwhile, he was attacking more and more—criticizing, expecting, distancing from me.  Sometimes he criticized my feelings, and sometimes he even used my “not feeling” to distance himself or criticize. But I wanted his love so much I kept trying harder.  And that meant showing fewer feelings. At least, fewer feelings of need from me or pain from me or just feelings period.  It was subtle and pervasive.  I did not realize it was happening, especially because I still allowed myself to feel toward other people—but I just convinced myself I should not want anything from other people.

At the same time, he kept saying I did not care about his feelings.  That I did not listen to him, that what he wanted did not matter to me.  And all the time I kept working harder and harder to show love however I could, listening to him, responding to what he wanted me to do, trying to do things better, taking on more responsibility and giving up things I cared about so he had more time to do what he wanted to do.  If I touched him to show concern he pushed me away.  If I gave him a card he was angry.  If I took care of things so he did not have to, I was shutting him out.  If I asked for his help, I was not respecting his needs.

So now all these feelings—the hurt, the confusion, the fear—and the memories of all those times connected with those feelings—I am reliving them all.  Like those feelings were behind a dam that has broken, And now they are overwhelming me.  I cannot stop feeling now. I can hardly stop crying.  I can hardly stop remembering. 

There are a lot of feels.

Like you said, it is brutal.  I have used the word “brutal” a lot.  Such a good word.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (January 29, 2019 5:55 pm)

OnMyOwnTwoFeet,
I couldn’t agree more with what you said.

I’m by no means “ok” but this forum has been extremely helpful. I would be more lost without it. I talk to a therapist but I think she is dismayed but what has transpired. I think I get more out of this forum.

In addition to the internal brain activity and emotions, I’m simply struggling with just existing in the same house day to day. I’m not walking around angry but just walking in the door I feel like I can’t smile or be happy in front of my wife. Sitting in the same room with the TV on, I don’t think either of us are watching, just glad to not be talking and I just hope she’ll go to bed early.  I’m not judging, but I don’t see how anyone sleeps in the same bed or has sex with the cheating spouse. I can barely carry on non-cheating related conversations.  When she asks, “how was your day?” Ugh, really? Horrible.  I don’t want to reveal how much I dwell on this throughout the day either, I don’t want to give anything.  God forbid a decision has to be made and neither of us wants to make a wrong decision in front of the other. Eggshells everywhere.  Outside of work, I read about psychology, I read posts here, I avoid the majority of friends because I don’t want to pretend everything is ok (or share how bad I actually feel). I’m truly better than I was three weeks ago but just so mentally exhausted with all the thinking and running scenarios of the affair, separating, finances, etc. Any tips on coexisting are appreciated. Any success dividing weekends up one where spouse gets away? I think just a break would be appreciated by both of us but I’m not trying to do her any favors bums getting a weekend away either to go pursue who knows what.

lily wrote:

Hi Phoenix, I appreciate the whole of your post but also thanks for helping to answer my question about why hate the girlfriend more than the wife.  I mean in a sense it is your wife who is betraying you the more by having an affair, and the girlfriend who is springing the trap you are caught in of being in a miserable marriage - that intimacy we look for is never going to come.  

You go on to say that with time your perspective has changed so you can see that - do you think your feelings will change over time too?

that's what I wonder.

thanks, Lily

 

From a logical standpoint, the person who has the responsibility to you is your spouse, therefor if an affair occurs it is the spouse who should be held accountable and who should be the target of anger.  But emotions are different than logic so that is not what I experienced.  My anger was toward the other party more-so than toward my ex-wife as I talked about already. 

You ask if I think my feelings will change over time.   That's a great question.  I don't know if they will change, but I think the intensity of my feelings will continue to diminish.  I will always consider this woman to be an awful person who did terrible things and brought immense pain into my life.  But as time passes the intensity of my feelings lessens and I think about her much less.  When I do think about her it doesn't elicit the same level of emotional response in body (like, my blood pressure doesn't go up and I don't feel anger come over me or sadness set it).   Have you heard the term "Makes my blood run cold"...  I felt that.    Now though, my feeling toward her is more factual and less emotional.  It is factual to me that she is a horrible human being.  It is factual that I wish i could keep my sons away from her.  I remember the facts of what happened and those facts still make me conclude that I hate her.   I will never say a kind word to her or about her.  But the emotional response has diminished greatly. 

It's like that time when I was in high school that a thief broke into my car and stole my stereo and CD's and golf clubs.  When it happened and for weeks, or maybe months afterwards, the thought of it made me very emotionally angry - I would feel myself physically experience that anger.   But that was 25 years ago and now I don't experience the same emotional anger.   I do still feel that person is awful and I remember that I was damaged and I will always think poorly of that person.   But thinking of that event no longer hurts me.   Clearly this example is much less than a person who has an affair, but I wanted to create an illustration to help explain it more simply.