OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I hate this so much!

**Posted by KitKat** January 13, 2019 9:36 pm

So my STBX who identifies as transgender (insert eye roll) came by the last 2 days to help the kids with a few things and then take who wanted to go to his apartment. Yesterday only my 13 year old went. I noticed today when her dad was here that her nails were cut and painted. I asked when that was done and she stated yesterday with dad. I had a mini panic attack as her dad was there at the moment dressed in women’s jeans, shirt socks and shoes. They are so obviously women’s clothing and not men’s by the fit and style.

After my 2 daughters that went to his apartment today came home I asked a few more questions. “Who painted your nails?” She responded with “Dad”. I then asked semi jokingly “Did he paint his too?” She responded by smiling, shrugging her shoulders and saying “Yes”. He’s treating his time with his 13 year old daughter like a sleepover with his teen friends. I’m so disturbed by this and saddened! I have no control over anything that happens with him and it makes me so sick! He’s all about being friends with them. It just feels wrong on so many levels!

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 13, 2019 10:50 pm

I'm so sorry, Kitkat. How awful for you, and how awful what he's doing to your daughter, using her as a surrogate for the female socialization he wishes he'd had--that he imagines female socialization only as an endless sleepover of feminizing activities like nail painting, rather than the more painful education we females receive that we matter less than men and should defer to them, and that it is our role to put our needs last, is an indication of how disordered he is. "Woman" is not something to be put on and taken off, a role to be performed and a costume to be worn, nor is "woman" defined by this.
I wish I had some counsel for you; all I have is empathy for what you're going through and what you are having to endure. I have no idea what you might say to your daughter, but it's surely something to be addressed in therapy--yours and hers.
Have you read "Sex Changes" by Christine Benvenuto? I only ask because in her book (about her ex husband's so called "sex change") she writes about similar activities/tactics of her ex's. Maybe reading it might at least make you feel less alone?

**Posted by Estella Oculus** January 14, 2019 9:37 am

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 30, 2019 7:22 am)

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** January 14, 2019 11:34 am

I'm so sorry, KitKat. Years ago, well before my spouse came out as trans, I would come home and find him with make up on and jewelry, etc. My girls, who were very young, maybe 6 and 4, had given him a make over. At the time, I thought, "How sweet. What a good dad." I thought he was secure in his manhood enough to allow his daughters to do that. If I only knew......

So, your daughters call him "Dad?" Is he fully out to them? Only 1 wanted to go to his place. Is the other uncomfortable going?

Sorry for all the questions. Just hoping maybe they can help sort through some stuff. But yea, they need a father - not a friend.

**Posted by KitKat** January 15, 2019 7:49 pm

Stronger,
Yes they call him Dad. He’s only mentioned gender dysphoria to them that I know of. He does not present as a female except with the lgbt events he goes to. He’s in the military and has a little less than 3 years until retirement when I’m sure it will escalate. He has to be a man until then.

Also I have 4 kids (17 girl, 15 boy, 13 girl, 10 boy). My 15 yo does not want to talk to me about his dad, barely talks on the phone with him and rarely goes to his apartment. Currently my STBX has a one bedroom so the kids don’t spend the night with him and usually only go long enough to watch 1-2 movies. When I asked my daughter the question about the nails she responded with boys paint their nails too. She then said my 15 yo has painted his in the past with which he responded “as a JOKE”.

I don’t think my STBX has told them about maybe transitioning. He still hasn’t decided I guess but is wearing as much women’s stuff as he can without being obvious I guess. It’s obvious to me!