Posted by Roo  January 3, 2019 2:43 pm | #1 |
Hope you all find happiness among the dark days we have been through or are going through.
As for me, I no longer know what to do ... I don't know if I can take that first step. Had another chink in the chain..our ex sister-in-law (my husbands brothers x-wife) passed away 2 days before Christmas.
I feel like such a weak person. I know I'm unhappy. I know things will never change. I hate life right now. I don't care about anything. He has made me hate, HATE sex. That's all he thinks about. He's constantly on his gay hook-up sites or FetLife. I just don't where to go.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
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Posted by Bartlett January 3, 2019 3:54 pm | #2 |
“The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you're supposed to go up and down when you're supposed to go down. When you're supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you're supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there's no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness.”
― =14pxHaruki Murakami,
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Posted by lily January 3, 2019 4:14 pm | #3 |
Hi Roo,
From what I can see a very large percentage of marriages are moms. Often they don't know it but many do. In some ways it is harder knowing because you know why you are hurting.
I have a friend in that situation and the hardest thing I see happening is that she is still fond of him. She recognises she never gets affection from him and she recognises he is always putting her down yet it is the times I see her feeling affectionate towards him that are the times I feel for her most and wish she would end it.
I know for me it came down to survival. I was getting too many put downs and I finally realised it was not just his friend having a go at me, it was him first. My best friend in all the world was not supportive he was holding me up for a put down over and again.
I had to stop turning to him for support and find my own emotional support independently of him. I did not know he was gay and I had no thought of separation but I still had to detach. Detach detach detach, forget this idea of detaching with love unless you're talking self-love, just do it for your own sake. I centred my life in my studio.
Get to a point you barely notice him or his sex life. So he love-bombs you, so what, you know perfectly well it doesn't ever lead to any real affection - you barely notice that either.
He's ignored your needs, now you ignore his. He might treat you better.
Holidays are nearly over.
wishing you all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (January 3, 2019 9:34 pm)
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Posted by gonzo2000 January 3, 2019 8:36 pm | #4 |
Hi Roo,
Firstly, you are NOT weak.
Yes, you are unhappy, but that is due to the situation you are in.
Things WILL change, that is definite. Nothing stays the same.
I am hoping you find a suitable lawyer soon. My lawyer had a plan which was a really good one.
I know I felt most helpless & hopeless when I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of living on my own.
You can do this. Breathe. Give yourself timed breaks, to feel the anger & despair.
Then do something different that you really like doing. Sometimes, I'd go for a walk in a park, with my camera, a snack, a drink. Sit on a bench, watching the squirrels, listening to the birds. I'd take photos of anything: pretty flowers, try to photo a bee on a flower... Other times, when the weather was inclement, I'd go to the mall and just sit on a bench, it didn't matter if there were lots of people ... Today I went to a church (no service happening): I just sat in the front pew, looked at the stained glass windows, imagined myself in a scene, a sheep in the stable looking at Baby Jesus. Felt much less alone....
Are you employed? The times I feel most miserable is when I am unemployed.
To keep myself busy, I volunteer: Brownie leader with Girl Guides of Canada. It is amazing how good 7 & 8 year-old girls make me feel about myself: valuable.
Hang in, you are not alone. I wish we could have tea/coffee together... eHugs...
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Posted by Estella Oculus January 4, 2019 7:40 am | #5 |
Hi Roo,
Welcome back, it is so good to hear from you! I am sorry you're doubting yourself, but you have no reason to. Each journey will be different, and you can figure out what's right for you.
Lily and Gonzo, you are wise and awesome. So happy to know you through these boards!
Take good care of yourselves today, everyone!
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Posted by StrongerThanIKnew January 4, 2019 8:22 am | #6 |
Hi Roo,
How are you doing? The holidays can be hard. They tend to magnify the hurt and the pain we are in 10 fold. Personally, I am glad they are over.
I just wanted to say though..... you are not weak. You have been traumatized, and every time he goes onto a gay site is another instance of trauma on top of trauma. Is it any wonder you feel as you do? I agree with Lily. Detach, detach, detach. If he is home, go do something somewhere else if possible.
Eventually, you will start to find your way and you will know what to do and when.
I wish you much peace, strength, and joy.
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Posted by Rob January 4, 2019 11:48 pm | #7 |
Roo,
Your always welcome here. That you know.
The holidays and a death in the family is a lot of stress for anyone... to get through that with a gay cheating husband takes pure strength, fortitude and courage. You are not weak at all! Just not.
Great suggestions by folks above.. I think the first thing you need to do is gather strength.. each day ..one small thing for yourself. Im talking small. It could be as small as get out of bed.
As my GX was out cheating I used the time, in between crying, to learn how to be on my own again... I found I was not bad company to myself... I didnt lie, cheat or steal on myself. I learned about things I like
and enjoyed. I reconnected with family and friends. So while my years with my cheating GX were pure hell I did come away with things that help to this day.
I would also say you are not idle.. If you can get through each day with the tiniest step for yourself ..you are not idle. ..though the mills of God grind slowly, they grind exceedly small..
a sincere e-hug .
Last edited by Rob (January 4, 2019 11:51 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by gonzo2000 January 5, 2019 6:10 pm | #8 |
Hi Roo,
You wrote, "He has made me hate, HATE sex."
I have thinking about my own thoughts regarding sex when I was in a MOM without knowing. I could Not understand the big deal people made about sex.
This is probably because sex with him was never really about my enjoyment. He was only ever interested when I was "fertile", because it was so very important for us to have children, to further validate / promote his career aspirations...
The more I think about the relationship, the more I realize he was overly narcissistic and a bully, the Gay Thing was secondary.
