Dear Wife (You're not disposable!)
  I'm so sorry you're in this situation, which is indeed devastating and painful.  If you haven't yet, please read the first topic under General Discussion, the "First Aid Kit."  There is good advice there for you.  Second, if you find yourself dwelling on thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.  Although what you're experiencing feels like the end of the world, you will make your way through and out of this.  Please know that you're not alone, we get it, we've been where you are.  Post here all you need to.

I am several years out from my husband's disclosure that he wanted more than friendship with his gay friend. As with you it came after a year of increasing distance towards me, so much so that I asked my son who was closer to him if there was something going on in his life that I did not know about. He lived away from home so he probably did not know that his father was head-over-heels in love with a man. If he knew or suspected he did not tell me.

When my husband finally told me there was no doubt where he was heading: he said he was gay and wanted a divorce. Your husband is not so decisive so it may be up to you to decide if you want to remain with a man who wants the love of a man and who may or may not have had sex with that man or other men. The physical acts matter because they endanger our health but more harmful when we find out it them are that they are confirmation us that our bodies will never be enough.

I suggest that you get individual counseling to help you walk back from the edge. If you are like me and many of us here we always centered our lives around our spouse. What are your personal needs and desires? Your life and happiness matter too.

Love yourself. This is not your fault. You do not have to try to make a square wheel turn.
 

I had to send my earlier post quickly or I'd have been late for an appointment but I realized after I hit "send" that I had made a mess in trying to edit a sentence. Here is what ended up:

"...but more harmful when we find out it them are that they are confirmation us that our bodies will never be enough."

What I wanted to say is that more harmful than learning that they have had sex with men is that this knowledge is confirmation that our bodies will never be enough. Having voluntarily experienced sex with a man it is unlikely that - despite excuses and promises - he will be able to put it all behind him. Even if he resists temptation the marriage won't revert to the way it was before you knew. There is no going back from here.

Take your time weighing your options. There are no shortcuts. Over time the fog of memory does lift and you will be able to see clearly where you want to go.

Dear new member. You are not disposable, you are not alone, we understand your pain. Please seek counseling soon if you have not yet, I promise it will help control the abyss and the feelings of life not being worth living. Some weeks I talk to my counselor 3 times if I need it, no shame, whatever you need to get your head above the water. I am with outofhiscloset, if you are suicidal call the prevention line, I am sure they can help. Also, holidays suck tremendously because of the degree of expectations, a perfect family, happiness and joy, I can’t wait for them to be over! There are lots of empathetic and understanding ears on this chat, I hope that helps too. You can do this.