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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:22 am)

Thank you for your support! I am hopeful that this forum will continue to be source of peace for me. It feels "good" to know that I am not alone in this. It is also uplifting to be able to "help" others with their struggles as well.

My question for all of you is . . . have you heard of any relationships that have survived this? My husband assures me that we will, and that he believed a lie about himself (and acted on it - shithead). That "lie has been revealed to him as our marriage has been rejuvenated". It is irritating (to say the least) that this rejuvenation was necessary because of his selfishness and actions, but whatever.

We ARE closer than we have been in a long time. He spends all of his time at work, at home (with me), or with me outside of the home. He is cuddly again, and our sex life is back to being regular and satisfying. He tells me that the ball is in my court. He is not leaving me, but he would understand if I needed to move on. I told him that he was the one that ruined our family, so he would have to be the one to leave. It's ALL on him. None of this has been my fault.

So my question remains . . . has anyone actually survived this? Or does this seem to be a phase that GIDs go through before repeating their shit?

jen,

A sad welcome.    As an old timer here I'd like to reply with some understanding.. 

I would suggest to find another therapist.    There are real bad ones out there..  TGT is a lot to process and I also agree that it takes the whole cheating thing to a new level.   Please reach out to a therapist, psychiatrist, family, friends, priest.  You need to build a support system and , sadly,  your husband is not really it..  (That is like confiding and taking comfort from a robber after he robs you.)   It is really hard...we love them but they hurt us.

I am not well versed in the "make it work aspect" of this..   My GX  basically decided she did not want to be married anymore and simply kept cheating.     But TGT takes cheating to a whole other level..   The anxiety
and stress ones feels....is your spouse going out shopping with a buddy or is he having sex?   Why should you have to wonder?    I used to shake with the trauma of it.     I highly doubt your husband even if he begged forgiveness and has remorse and said "the marriage is rejuvenated" (for who?) can identify with the anxiety and mistrust you feel.      

If I were to fantasize  and think that my  GX wanted the marriage and begged forgiveness  my question(s) would be;   
"What proofs can you offer me to prove you are sincere and still love me?"   
"Would you die for me?"
"How could you hurt me like this..you kept hurting me?
...


A straight spouse can give up all contact with the opposite sex and show some sincerity or rather shallow proof...but a gay spouse has no way of doing that..     And, of course,  the same sex attraction that was hidden from us is such a fundamental long kept lie...we were not important enough to share that detail with.

But still...I would say if you get blame shifting to you on any of the above questions or excuses than your spouse is definitely not sincere at all in whatever remorse ... 

I feel for you...I urge you yes to build a support system to process this. 

a sincere ehug.

 

gonzo2000,

I am very sorry if it came across that I think "typical cheating" is somehow less than our situations. I really just meant that it is SO very different, and I wish that my counselor would have treated it as such. My therapist basically told me that my husband is the victim. She told me (with him in the room) that statistics have shown . . . individuals who are sexually abused between birth and age 5 tend to question their sexual orientation; individuals who are sexually abused between the ages of 6-?? tend to act out sexually. (My husband began being abused at age 4 and continued to be until he was 12 . . . so you can do the math here.) The message that I got is that I should feel sorry for what my husband did (to me), because he couldn't help it. In our 2nd session, she told us that her husband cheated on her (with another woman, mind you) and that she forgave him and they are stronger today because of it. She looked at me and said, "The ball is in your court, Jen. Will you forgive your husband and work this out? Or will you choose to end this relationship. I can guarantee you that the 2nd option will be far more difficult." (THE BALL IS IN MY COURT? I don't think so  . . . I LOSE either way. I live with distrust and fear for the rest of my life OR I simply lose everything. These don't seem like terrific options.) Sometime during the session I said that I really wish my husband had been honest with me about his past before we were married. The therapist replied, "He was afraid that he would lose you. We can only imagine what a tough position he was in." (Who knows, I may have still married him, but I was never allowed to have the 'ball in my court' when the game was fair.) 

I am so sorry for your monthly reminders via email. None of us signed up for this. Our dreams of family holidays with our chosen partners, experiencing the joy of grandparenting with our chosen partners, etc . . . have been stolen from us. We lose no matter what - - - because of THEIR choices (and those who helped to contribute to their confusion).

Sincerely...jen