OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / So thankful for this chat! I need to share

**Posted by MMartin** December 22, 2018 10:18 pm

Hello all, happy to know you are there and we can share and listen to each other. I am married to somebody I thought was bisexual, which I was 100%ok with, because he always said he was very much sexually attracted to me. It’s a long 7 year story, but the summary is he told me that he had body disphoria and that was the reason for the decreasing sex drive, then that he was trans and the body disphoria was so intense that she did not feel like having sex at all, after that they identify as non binary, but still bisexual, and recently they told me that they have been gay since 3rd grade.

9 months ago I gave birth to our incredible daughter, and I feel I have not had a chance to catch my breath, as all of these truly started to scalate when I was pregnant. They jumped from one thing to the next, a rolleycoster of gender and sexual identification. I deeply love them, but I feel am loosing myself, I don’t have space to figure who I am or what I need anymore. I forgot to mention that at the same time they told me they are gay, they started a program for alcohol and substance abuse, confessing they are alcoholic.

They deeply confused me, or I am confused, by saying I am their soulmate, family, and the love of their life. Things can be more simply, or I need them to be so. I have been following my heart all these years, but when I think about the people I love, I don’t wish for them what I am going through. So I guess if it is not good in my mind for my loved ones, It should not be good enough for me.

I am from Europe, and most of my family and friends are there, or in far away states. I live in NYC, and feel quite alone lately, except for my 9 month ray of sun, the light that guides me and brings my feet back to the ground.

So here I am, ready to grown, share, listen and keep on moving forward. I know there is a hard road ahead, but it already makes me feel good to know I am sharing with people that understands what I am going through. So thanks for reading if you did.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 22, 2018 11:18 pm

MMartin,
I'm glad you found us, but sorry you need to be here.
You should know that it is not all that unusual for pregnancy, the birth of a child (particularly a daughter), to precipitate a crisis for autogynephilic males (those who are attracted to themselves when they imagine themselves to be women) To see the abilities of the female body in action in gestating and giving birth to a child can precipitate an intense longing in autogynephilic men, and the birth of a daughter, in particular, serves to highlight the experience of female socialization that they idealize and know they will never have.
Please educate yourself in the realities of autogynephilia. You can find J. Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" (Bailey is a psych professor at Northwestern Univ who specializes in trans-identified males) and the articles of the transwoman and medical doctor Anne Lawrence online. Once you understand more clearly that what you are seeing has been mapped and predicted, you may feel less tossed and buffeted by your partner's actions.
Your partner is deeply confused, and you need to stay grounded. I'm glad you have your daughter to anchor you to reality.

**Posted by MMartin** December 23, 2018 9:51 am

Hello outofhiscloset, and thanks for reaching out. I did not know about autogynephilia at all, I have started reading about it, though if I am honest I am even more confused! My partner says they are non binary, and homosexual, but if they could chose they would have been born in a female body. That is all I know for know, I question if they are familiar with the term themselves. It is so interesting what you are saying about the timeline of having my daughter, it definitely felt precipitated by it to me. They were about to start hormone replacement therapy but didn’t. I will read about it more, hopefully it is easier to understand. I am also so stressed and spent that it feels like my ram can’t process much more!

Thanks again

**Posted by phoenix** December 23, 2018 1:39 pm

Welcome MMartin!

I'm sorry you are going through this struggle with your spouse. I hope you find great help here on our forum!

**Posted by MMartin** December 23, 2018 2:20 pm

Thank you, Phoenix! I hope the same.
Have a happy holiday if you celebrate it.

**Posted by Duped** December 23, 2018 5:50 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:36 pm)

**Posted by MMartin** December 23, 2018 9:45 pm

Hello Duped,

Thanks for your honesty, opinion and sharing what happened to you. You are right, he is gay, and I realize how important is for me to read it, to not forget it or deny it.

When I was pregnant and gave birth I felt almost like she was competing, she felt like a mom and casted a shadow on my bond with my daughter. Nothing wrong with two moms! That wasn’t the problem, But I felt she constantly diminished the specifics of being the biological mom. I was so high on my own hormones, healing, and with postpartum anxiety that I thought it was all in my head. I almost felt that I wasn’t being open enough or generous enough, as if I wanted to be the protagonist of the story and was not letting room for her. It took me a while to realized it was the other way around: I was not allowed to heal, to enjoy the truly existing special bond between the biological mom and the baby. It was such a hard time for me, I just could not understand her need to start talking about hrt and surgery right then, why couldn’t she wait a little. A newborn seemed soooooo much to take care of already.
I thought maybe it was because she wanted her daughter to meet her as her true self, but now with perspective it looks more complex and different.

Another thing I am experiencing now is their tendency to portray themselves as a victim, or my victim, when I had 0 responsibility in presenting any of these radical changes of life scenario. Now it almost feels again that I am not cool enough to want to figure out a solution to they being gay. They just wanted to be honest and work something out, except the only thing I was told is: I am sorry, I don’t know what else to tell you. I know highly repressed people are almost without exception the victims of other people’s belief systems, rules, and it goes as far as fearing for their lifes and safety.

I am trying to be empathetic and come from a place of love and respect, I even embrace the pain, but I am soooo tired of suffering.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 24, 2018 6:23 am

MMartin,
Do you have a therapist? One just for you (and not as part of a couple)? You are experiencing several major life changes--the birth of your your daughter, your transition to motherhood, and your partner's identity shifts--about which you have a lot of conflicting feelings that would be helpful to sort out with a professional.

**Posted by MMartin** December 24, 2018 9:02 pm

Yes, outofhiscloset, I don’t know what I would do without them right now! I have my own, and we have the couple’s one. You are so right, professional help is so important.

**Posted by walkbymyself** December 28, 2018 12:10 pm

I'm so sorry you are going through this, MMartin, particularly being in a new place with a newborn. I remember that first year, when I had my daughter, and as much as she was a joy to me -- it was very, very lonely and stressful. I can't even begin to imagine what you're dealing with, having the added stress of an adult baby on your hands.