OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / At the end of 2018. Updates on.....

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 22, 2018 5:44 pm

.....those still in their mixed orientation relationships.

2 years ago...I was confused, scared of losing what I thought of was the best r'ship I've ever had.
1 year ago....I woke, every morning, crying. Now....I know crying was a release when I was mourning the above
Dec. 2018....Although the sadness is still there...my focus today is on strategies that benefit me.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 28, 2018 12:27 pm

As a forum member no longer confused about the awful, life-changing situation I found myself in...I find the site less welcoming, I think because I no longer have questions/concerns to ask, and the forum works better if there are questions to answer, advice to give.
It seems there are no updates except mine...lol
I've come a long way, and still have a way to go.

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 28, 2018 1:03 pm

I wish the forum was more active. I wonder if some people just don't want to dwell on this during the holidays and things will get busier on here later. Although, if the tragedy of having your spouse come out to you never happened to another human being on planet Earth, I'd be okay with that too. I feel for anyone who has ever had to live through this.

I have only been trying to process all of this for a couple months, but I feel like I've come a long way in accepting what has happened and the likely outcome of that for my future. That's logically though, emotionally I am still bouncing back between being strong and imagining the next phase of my life alone, and the other half of the time I am wishing that she would let me know she wants to stay with me.

I don't see an open MOM working for us long-term, because for one, it's not really what I want. Also, if I were to entertain it, I would have a ton of guidelines I would want in place. I don't see her agreeing to all of those. Even worse, if she said she agreed, how would I know if she was sticking true to them. I don't want to be the marriage police.

But I will say (and I feel guilty for typing this) right now it feels nice to still be together, being kind, affectionate, and occasionally sexual with each other, even if I know it isn't the same as it was before.

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 28, 2018 1:11 pm

Something that I think is interesting is that this post has had 63 views the last time I checked. So even though not many are posting, plenty are checking in on it.

**Posted by Violated** December 28, 2018 8:46 pm

Without my knowledge or consent I have been in a MOM for the past 24 years of my 44 year marriage. For the past year, I remained willingly in a MOM to Process TGT, to process his lies, to process my life, and I finally decided to divorce and to make myself a priority. For the past 12 months, I have thought with my head not my heart, especially when it came to protecting my financial security. My divorce will be final January 10th, I am holding my breath until then. Onward.......

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 30, 2018 1:47 pm

It stinks to think that most of us do find ourselves unwittingly in a MOM without our consent. And then, many of us stay in one for a period of time during a period of shock and disbelief of how upside down our life is.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 30, 2018 2:46 pm

Violated wrote:
Without my knowledge or consent I have been in a MOM for the past 24 years of my 44 year marriage. For the past year, I remained willingly in a MOM to Process TGT, to process his lies, to process my life, and I finally decided to divorce and to make myself a priority. For the past 12 months, I have thought with my head not my heart, especially when it came to protecting my financial security. My divorce will be final January 10th, I am holding my breath until then. Onward.......

I'm so proud of you Violated.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 30, 2018 2:49 pm

ThisSeason wrote:
Something that I think is interesting is that this post has had 63 views the last time I checked. So even though not many are posting, plenty are checking in on it.

Yip Season.....I see the numbers of reading/not commenting and I know there are people out there

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 31, 2018 4:22 pm

First day of 2019. I'm sitting at my daughter's house (she's away) on my own, thinking this life I'm living is never going to give me what I want. I've been crying again but know I'm getting closer to the decision I realise is inevitable

**Posted by YazPistachio** January 5, 2019 3:35 pm

In November, I was diagnosed with attachment/abandonment issues related to Complex PTSD from my early childhood, which (after a lifetime of being well-hidden due to coping strategies) were inadvertently triggered and inflamed by my husband's behavior. I've been doing some intense therapy and study and introspection and work to try to stabilize my disregulated emotions (aka, flashbacks), and work on rebuilding the trust between us as well as my own self-esteem and confidence.

Things blew up between us in late November, and we had to buckle down to face some hard truths and decisions. He moved out for a few weeks, but he's back now and we are preparing to move to a bigger place... one of the worst things about our current place is that I didn't have any area of my own that I could retreat to when I needed to cool off (or meditate, or create art, or read, or anything). The new place has not one, but TWO rooms that will be devoted to my own interests and needs, and this will be a huge leap towards our goal of co-creating a life that will support both of us.

We are both doing individual counseling, with a few couple's sessions in the mix as well. It's going to be a long road, and I'm still not 100% certain I will be able to get back to a place of feeling totally relaxed around him (ie, have the feeling that my needs are as important to him as his own, that he won't bulldoze my feelings in pursuit of his pleasures, even accidentally), but he's totally committed to working as hard as he needs to (in therapy and with me) to rebuild my trust and our partnership. We are calling it our Marriage Version 2.0, and it's both scary and exhilarating at the same time.

I'm looking forward to seeing where we go in the next year. This past year has been such a roller coaster... it would be nice to find some stability and common ground, so we can mutually nurture our partnership back to a place of peace and joy for both of us. For others who are working on making their own MOMs work, I wish you the same! Happy New Year!