OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Hypothetical Situations Perspective

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 21, 2018 11:54 am

As quick as some of our spouses are to cheat or move out and leave us to be with their gay lovers, it makes me wonder if TGT was only one of many reasons they would have abandoned us.

From time to time someone brings up a real life example of a couple and it makes them wonder what they would do hypothetically. "Bill is disabled, and Mary is sticking by his side and taking care of him" or "Bill is disabled at 40 years old, and Mary is filing for divorce." Same could be something like the loss of a career, death of a child, or health scares (cancer, etc). Sometimes those things bring couples closer together, but sometimes one partner can't handle such an event and the aftermath.

I may be overthinking things, or looking for a link that isn't there the majority of the time. It just seems the selfishness that some display during TGT would also cause them to chose selfishly and abandon or betray their spouse in other situations.

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** December 21, 2018 1:09 pm

I hear what you are saying, but can really only speak to what I think my spouse would do in a situation like that.

My spouse loves the "victim" role. My spouse cheated on his first wife and spun it to make it look like she was the bad guy. He came clean and told her about the encounter as a way to convince her they needed marriage counseling. He wanted the marriage to work, but she kicked him out and filed for divorce. So, yes, he made a mistake, but was sorry and trying to make it right.

Now, with me, SHE is trying to make the trans thing my fault even though she dressed decades before we met. Again, though, my spouse has set herself up in the victim role and is thriving in it.

So, given what I know, if, before all this came to light, something had happened to me, I think he would have loved the public sympathy he would have gotten from playing the long-suffering, hard-working and devoted spouse. He would probably have remained closeted but would have still dressed - only I wouldn't be in a position to leave.

Of course, there is no way to know for sure, but the public admiration and accolades is hard for any narcissist to give up.

**Posted by Estella Oculus** December 21, 2018 4:26 pm

I would second what StrongerThanIKnew said: my STBX feeds on being the center of attention, especially if he gets to be the victim. (It's creepy, and gives a bad name to true victims everywhere.)

But, it is true that when I had a health scare a few years back, my STBX did show signs of a total emotional breakdown at the thought of it. At the time, I took it as an expression of his deep love for me. Now I realize he was probably intending to go emotionally limp so that someone else would rush in to take care of both of us. So it's true--we aren't talking about people who are likely able to weather much that might upset their very carefully constructed web of deceit.

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 22, 2018 10:12 am

It seems strange that the decision to stay or leave someone, to honor your commitments, is very dependent on the given specifics of a situation.
For example, If you realize you are attracted to the opposite sex, you just have to run headfirst into that and discard your spouse. That same person, should some medical issue happen to them where they had no libido or ability to have sex, might expect their spouse to stick by their side through the issue and remain faithful.

**Posted by Rob** December 23, 2018 12:28 am

ThisSeason wrote:
..... That same person, should some medical issue happen to them where they had no libido or ability to have sex, might expect their spouse to stick by their side through the issue and remain faithful.

It's a scary thing..the person you thought loved you most in all the world and would stick by you should you get ill or sick..turns out can discard you without remorse like a used napkin.

I thank God everyday for getting me away from such a horrible person.

Last edited by Rob (December 23, 2018 12:28 am)

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 26, 2018 1:45 pm

Rob,

I am glad you got away from your ex, from the sounds of it you are much better off alone than with someone would could be that horrible to you.

It seems that there are a lot of similarities and commonalities in our situations, however one major variable seems to be the individual gay spouses behavior. Some are relativity kind and compassionate and remain faithful until after a divorce/separation (or at least the claim to), some are cold and distant, and some are mean, angry, nasty, and vengeful.

I think the behavior and temperament of the gay spouse does a lot to shape the experience that we go through. Although my spouse is being mostly nice and affectionate, that almost makes it harder to want to decouple and begin the healing process and start the next chapter of my life.

At least mean and horrible would make it more clear that everything is over and help push me to the point of divorce.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 26, 2018 2:39 pm

Once you actually do initiate divorce you may see a change in your spouse's behavior.

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 26, 2018 3:32 pm

Great point OutofHisCloset.

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** December 26, 2018 4:07 pm

OutofHisCloset wrote:
Once you actually do initiate divorce you may see a change in your spouse's behavior.

I know I sure as hell did. You would think I was the one that had betrayed him and lied to him for 20+ years instead of the other way around.

**Posted by ThisSeason** December 28, 2018 7:50 am

It sucks that so many states now have "no-fault" divorce laws. I'm sure sometimes trying to prove fault would be messy, but in some cases it's very cut and dry. When someone violated their marriage vows and broke the covenant, they should not get the same rights as the other spouse during a divorce. And they definitely shouldn't be able to make a divorce drag on for months and years, contesting everything and continually negotiating for more.