OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Bisexuality and cheating

**Posted by Estella Oculus** December 19, 2018 8:55 am

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:27 am)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 19, 2018 12:46 pm

Estella Oculus wrote:
I should say: one option is to say what I just said--Dad's cheated on me, apparently all the way through our marriage, with many people, some of whom may be women that we know, some of whom are definitely a parade of random male partners. I thought at first he might be gay, and so I have been going out of my way to be supportive this past year, but now I'm not sure. What I do know is that he basically wanted me to lie and cover things up, and that's toxic, and I'm not going to live that way. I know I can't trust him, and so I am doing everything I can to get away from contact with him. You can have the relationship you want with him, but this is why I'm making the decision to not have a relationship with him.

This is always age-appropriate (and I'm not sure of your son's age/s
but this....sounds kind, respectful and explanatory. And would be a good base for him to ask questions

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 19, 2018 2:49 pm)

**Posted by vicky** December 19, 2018 2:19 pm

Hi Estella,
I'm not sure if this is helpful at all but my partner though that having same-sex relations wasn't cheating too. Obviously I corrected him on that. You're husband could very well be a bisexual serial cheater who didn't count men as cheating.
If it were me explaining it to my kids why we were splitting up I would leave out the gay/bi thing. You can't press 'undo' on that one. If you're husband denies it and convinces them otherwise you'll look like the bad one.
Vicky

**Posted by lily** December 19, 2018 2:59 pm

I think there's two kinds of sex - romantic or not. It's just sex, they say and they mean it. If you can do that disconnected sex thing then I guess the world is your oyster! most of us can't, we get emotionally affected by the act.

**Posted by Duped** December 19, 2018 5:57 pm

vicky wrote:
Hi Estella,
I'm not sure if this is helpful at all but my partner though that having same-sex relations wasn't cheating too. Obviously I corrected him on that. You're husband could very well be a bisexual serial cheater who didn't count men as cheating.
If it were me explaining it to my kids why we were splitting up I would leave out the gay/bi thing. You can't press 'undo' on that one. If you're husband denies it and convinces them otherwise you'll look like the bad one.
Vicky

I don’t think Estella should cover up the truth in case her husband decides to continue lying and make her “look bad”. I would absolutely leave the gay thing in, the truth is more important than enabling a husbands denials and lies.

Men know exactly what cheating is, they say it doesn’t count with same sex because they want an excuse when they are caught. They must think we were born yesterday. Unfortunately they have us in such a spin they get away with it. Once you’re out you see this crap for what it is.

**Posted by Estella Oculus** December 19, 2018 6:51 pm

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:25 am)

**Posted by vicky** December 20, 2018 8:01 am

The reason I said you shouldn't tell your son he's gay or bi is that they are expert liars! He's going to deny it we can almost guarantee that. Then he's going to be on a mission to prove he's straight to everyone and your son and people are going to pick sides. Are you the crazy ex wife who makes up lies about this wonderful straight man, or is this seemingly straight man who seems so genuine lying to them. It comes down to who's more convincing and we know that they're practiced liars, we are not. You will lose that battle, maybe not to everyone but to some. It's an unnecessary burden to put on your kid, to me that's not worth exposing the truth. I think your therapist is wise, in the end it doesn't matter if he cheated and lied with a man/woman or beast, he's a liar and a cheat and that's the reason you're splitting.
Vicky

**Posted by Estella Oculus** December 20, 2018 8:48 am

Yes, I think she would agree with you, Vicky. I felt relieved after talking through this because it helped me get some clarity on how to deal with what is (as we all sadly know) a sucky and complicated situation. ... Edited to add: I also agree with you. Currently STBX does not appear to be mounting an overt smear campaign against me, but that is only because he prefers passive agressive gestures (agh!)

Last edited by Estella Oculus (December 20, 2018 11:02 am)

**Posted by lily** December 20, 2018 11:07 am

It's a tricky time when you are getting divorced and your spouse is so focused on defending his closet.

How much you can confide in your son and how wise it would be right now, that's very individual so I think you have to trust yourself, how you feel about it.

**Posted by Estella Oculus** December 20, 2018 11:16 am

lily wrote:
It's a tricky time when you are getting divorced and your spouse is so focused on defending his closet.

TRUTH!