OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Questions for spouses of trans people

**Posted by Duped** January 11, 2019 3:39 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:34 pm)

**Posted by Tyurk** January 12, 2019 11:29 am

Gender Identity and sexual orientation are not synonymous. There can be any combination and it is very confusing. Its confusing to the straight spouse because its a disorder. A psychological disorder or paraphilia. Its one thing to understand and a whole other thing to accept it and a whole other thing to accept it and live with it.

To the male spouse who doesnt want to been seen in a gay relationship in public I say, of course you dont! It is complete bullshit that a straight spouse has to go out in the world and be looked at like a gay person in a gay couple. So now the straight spouse in those situations has to endure the same terrible feelings the trans spouse felt before transitioning? It either works or it doesnt. And for most of us straight spouses, it doesnt work.

Last edited by Tyurk (January 12, 2019 1:12 pm)

**Posted by soconfused** January 21, 2019 1:29 am

1) I would really appreciate a separate section. I'm still confused by this whole trans thing, and still have a lot of processing to do to heal.

2) I don't have any resources to offer, but I'd be glad to read what others find!

3) For me, it's been difficult sometimes to relate to people whose spouses have come out as gay instead of trans I understand gay better, it makes more sense to me, it seems like a natural variation in humans as well as animals. It's complicated by homophobia, which is horrible, and I can understand the betrayal and confusion for spouses who find out their spouse's orientation is not what they thought, but it makes sense. Trans does not make sense to me in the same way. My experience with trans (limited largely to my husband, and to what I've read online) has been different. Trans doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't seem biological in the same way that being gay or straight is. I don't understand the compulsion to be a different gender, I don't understand why his idea of being a woman is so stereotypical, I don't like the lies and crazy spending on women's clothes, to the point of destroying our retirement, I don't like the rages and narcissism he's displayed as he tried to find himself. I never put him down, only tried to understand and love him, but it wasn't enough, and we're separated now. To me, he's not finding himself, he's trying to be someone else, someone acceptable to him in a way that I don't understand, and in the process, he hasn't been willing to let me be myself, or even to see me.