OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My husband is asexual

**Posted by Beth** August 22, 2016 9:09 pm

I've been married to my husband 25 years this coming year. From the very beginning I knew there was a problem. He slept on the couch and never came to the bed and we only consummated our marriage three weeks after we were married and only after I cried and became angry. We went to a counselor the first year and he told me to were teddies and talk sexy! Well that didn't work!! We have been to many counselors over the years and finally the last one said that it sounds like my husband is asexual. I researched asexuality and I'm sure that's what he is. He won't research asexuality or even talk about sex. He even leaves the room if a couple is kissing on TV. I have never cheated, but, I feel very vulnerable.

**Posted by Still Wondering** August 22, 2016 9:41 pm

Hi Beth,

I'm sorry you're here, but I have to ask the obvious question - why did you stay? How was he able to drag out your hope of intimacy for 25 years?

If you haven't already, read Kel's recent post about not making any changes unless it affects THEM. It's so true and applies to so many situations, gay, straight, male, female, and assholes in general.

I know it's easy to give advice when I'm not in your shoes but....if you can, leave. You deserve more than this. Even if he were asexual he could have at least addressed it with you and tried to work on it. Certainly over 25 years some progress could have been made!! He chose to keep you in the dark and that's cold and mean.

**Posted by Beth** August 22, 2016 10:07 pm

I took a vow to God and to my husband. I'm religious and I take my wedding vows seriously. I recently called and talked to a church councilor and I never really had a marriage to begin with. I have grounds for an annulment if I choose to go that direction.

**Posted by Dixie** August 23, 2016 8:52 am

I won't speak to the religious aspects of your situation, as that is very personal and sacred to you. But if an annulment could be had, I would encourage you to go ahead with it. Why? Because everything you have with your husband now, from an emotional standpoint if not financial, could still exist. Assuming you have a close friendship or coparent or whatever, there is no reason that form of relationship would not continue if you both wished. However, you will never experience true intimate love and longing between two committed people if you stay. It would be truly sad to miss such a significant part of life. You deserve a chance at love, and I don't mean just physical sex, but the deep emotional attachment that sex facilitates between two committed adults.

**Posted by Still Wondering** August 23, 2016 9:03 am

Please don't get stuck in a marriage like this because you think it's what God wants. I too took my vows very seriously. But you didn't take vows with someone who planned to have a real union. He's using you for a room mate and has done so since day one. It has nothing to do with sex but everything to do with emotional abuse when your husband, the person you are supposed to trust and communicate best with in this world won't even sleep next to you or talk about an issue present from day 1. Pushing someone off for 25 years while they wonder in solitude is no laughing matter. All I ask is that you please continue to think about this. At least give the thought of an annulment the chance. You have suffered enough. You have proven to God that you took this seriously and tried and tried and tried for 25 years. Nothing is going to change.