OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How did you start the conversation about The Big D?

**Posted by Violated** August 3, 2018 1:22 pm

Walk, just a few thoughts to share. My counselor recently suggested the following regarding the divorce conversation. First of all use the term, 'I" , and keep it brief , no explanations are necessary, know what you want and be prepared to state it. Be prepared, speak to your attorney first, research your financials. It may help to speak to more than one attorney before you decide who you want to represent you.

Let a close friend know you plan to discuss divorce with your husband and tell her if you do not call her at a designated time, to call the police. My counselor voiced concerns that there is probably a lot more that I do not know about my husband, and be prepared for his anger. It may help to have a bag packed and an exit plan for you and tell him he must leave.

My counselor had advised me when speaking with my husband, state, " I care about you but I also care about myself, and I want a divorce."

Good luck, my friend. I know how painful and sad this is. I have to wait until September for the divorce discussion.

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 3, 2018 5:31 pm

Rob wrote:
Walk,

First . I'd like to interject some support in the thread here..
Our divorces are pomp and circumstance..these spouse left us long ago with what they did.. It should come as no surprise to them.

...
Sincere wishes of strength and stoicism..

This is very true; one of the things that was most shocking to me when I initially confronted my husband ... was the way he seemed to have his own rehearsed speech ready, in his mind. There was no way he could have known I was going to confront him -- it had to mean he'd had many years to think what he'd respond to me if he ever got caught. So you do raise a very good point: he is pretending everything is good and we're going to stay together forever, but he must be bracing himself.

It feels like such a shot across the bow to me, when he's been going along all this time as though everything is going to continue and I haven't spoken up. I haven't encouraged him, but I haven't corrected him, either. After everything he's put me through -- I still have this bullshit instinct to protect him.

Sorry for my language there.

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 3, 2018 5:35 pm

Violated, I missed this last post of yours.

That is a good idea. My husband has never threatened violence towards me, but he has threatened suicide. Still, there's no way of predicting. I have learned things about him in the past week that I can't post online, but these things are so serious I don't know how he'd react if he found out I knew. So if he asks "Why now?" there may not be a safe way to answer his question.

My lawyer told me he'll get back to me next week and we can talk about the timetable and when/how I should tell my husband, so for now this discussion is just to get me a sense of how others have broached the topic. I want this to be over, quickly.

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 8, 2018 6:42 pm

Update. My lawyer has now reached the stage where he needs to serve my husband -- so I need to say something, ASAP. I have a call in to the lawyer, and I've texted my husband at work and asked him to call me. I have to do it, now, so might as well get it over with.

As usual, I'm shaking and my heart is pounding.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 8, 2018 6:53 pm

walkbymyself wrote:
I have to do it, now, so might as well get it over with.
As usual, I'm shaking and my heart is pounding.

All the luck, strength, good wishes and vibes! to you Walk
Let us know how it goes. Remember....you've got this...

**Posted by Lynne** August 8, 2018 7:28 pm

Deleted.

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:11 pm)

**Posted by Rob** August 8, 2018 9:30 pm

Walk,

Slow and steady, head held high, face in the wind, walking with our God.

These spouses should not be surprised.. And where were they when we were shaking in shock at their gay secrets...not walking with us...

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 12, 2018 8:03 pm

Well, it was a very difficult conversation and my husband is deeply despondent, although he acknowledges that this has been his own doing. I had no idea what to expect, and he does have a nasty streak when he gets defensive so I wasn't sure what would happen, but he has been mostly just really, really depressed.

I'm sleeping up in my daughter's bedroom, and trying to give him space. He kept saying he just doesn't see a future for himself. I know that's exactly how I felt, a while ago when I realized this was going to be inevitable, and I've had time to adjust but he's just dealing with the inevitability of it all.

**Posted by Rob** August 13, 2018 1:06 pm

Walk,

Whatever you need to do. I stayed in another room...sometimes I slept in a kids room if they were raged at that day. I highly recommend the ikea rollup mattress...you can sleep in any room in your house.
His depression is not of your making...don't let him guilt you into thinking that. An analogy; its like a drunk hitting you with his car and then getting sad that his car is damaged..

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 15, 2018 4:39 pm

I've basically moved into my daughter's room (she's graduated & living in another city now).

I've tried not to litigate the laundry list of things he's done to bring about this divorce, but I think going forward I'm going to establish a rule: I won't bring up all the BS he's put me through as long as he doesn't bring up how heartbroken he is to be losing me, and how he has no future, and how all he ever wanted in the world was to have a retirement with me, lather, rinse, repeat.

You don't want me talking about my miserable past? Then don't get started on YOUR miserable future. You brought this on, not me. Wanna bellyache about how miserable you are thinking about having Christmas all by yourself in 2018? Good. Let's talk about how you ruined Christmas 2017, maybe you won't miss it so badly.