OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How did you start the conversation about The Big D?

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 2, 2018 12:38 pm

I'm struggling to figure out how and when to tell my husband I've decided to divorce him. He wants to stay together, and has been love-bombing me ever since I confronted him about his secret double life. I'm torn between a desire to be fair to him -- simply allowing the lawyer to serve him with papers seems so cruel and harsh. And yet, on the other hand, it doesn't seem like my husband has ever concerned himself with whether I might be blindsided by a devastating revelation. Some experts even advise against telling a spouse you've got the papers in the works -- because giving them advance notice makes it much easier for them to conceal assets, and much harder for you to recoup those assets after the papers are served. The moment they're served, a court order goes into effect protecting those assets. So there's an advantage to keeping quiet, even if it is a nasty way to treat someone you've shared a life with for decades.

How did you break the news to your spouse?

**Posted by Kel** August 2, 2018 12:47 pm

I think you break the news to them the day before you know they're going to be served.

**Posted by Baffled** August 2, 2018 1:09 pm

Get you financial ducks in a row before he gets served. I took 50%of all fairly liquid assets before he was served and I had statements of all accounts the morning he was served. I did not give him notice. My situation was dangerous so he was served out of the house along with a Court order giving me exclusive possession of the marital home for as long as we were married. This was like a PFA on steroids. I had filed charges against him months before which he plead guilty to so the Court had no problem with signing the order my attorney had prepared. I put his stuff at the end of the drive and the police “assisted” him move out. He fought the order but lost so he never saw the marital home again. It took three years to get divorced. I am now in a place where I am so grateful for the divorce; I am finding “me” again and really enjoying the process!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 2, 2018 1:52 pm

walkbymyself wrote:
I'm struggling to figure out how and when to tell my husband I've decided to divorce him.....

Walkby....we don't know your husband, only you will have a handle on how he'll possibly react. But from your previous posts it seems (to me anyway) that you tend to think of the affect this will have on him more than remember what this *whole thing* has done to you.
Just has he has kept much from you....I think it only fair that you reciprocate. It's a mindset...a space you have to put yourself in and tell yourself this is you, and your safety you're doing this for, not him.

Courage and power to you Walkby xx

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** August 2, 2018 2:04 pm

Here are my thoughts.....

When all this first came to light, I was advised by an attorney to move 50% of our joint savings account into an account in my name only. I was told not to spend it, but to rather just hold it there. However, because I thought she would do right by us and not go crazy spending money on surgeries, etc. and also because I was more concerned with hurting her feelings by doing that than I was with protecting my (and my kids) safety net, I did not transfer the money. When we did finally close the account and split it, I got less than half of what I would have gotten if I had followed the attorney's advice.

My point is to not worry about hurting his feelings and take care of you. If it is important that you tell him, file first and then tell him right before he gets served. By then, it is too late for him to move assets around.

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 2, 2018 6:17 pm

Stronger: that advice may vary jurisdiction by jurisdiction.

I don't have access to our savings right now -- he controls it all. I have access to the joint checking account, but we don't typically carry a huge balance in there.

I'm not worrying about feelings, and I'm not worrying about fairness or about payback. I do worry about the appearance of being vindictive, so I want to avoid that. It's not because I'm being nice. It's because I don't want a judge to form his first impression of me based on appearances, particularly if it makes me look vindictive or spiteful.

**Posted by Lena** August 2, 2018 9:40 pm

WalkByMyself,

Even if we discussed a need for divorce, I served my GHDS papers without telling him. He was too comfortable with me finally knowing everything and living his double life, not in rush to take a move. But his actions behind my back, forced me. I do not regret it. I think it "saved" me in a lot of ways.
I do not think the judge will look at you the way you think.
This is divorce and those courts saw a lot of things and sometimes there is no other way.
I do not think you owe anything to your H either, so do what your gut tells you.
Good luck!

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** August 2, 2018 11:26 pm

walkbymyself wrote:
Stronger: that advice may vary jurisdiction by jurisdiction.

I don't have access to our savings right now -- he controls it all. I have access to the joint checking account, but we don't typically carry a huge balance in there.

I'm not worrying about feelings, and I'm not worrying about fairness or about payback. I do worry about the appearance of being vindictive, so I want to avoid that. It's not because I'm being nice. It's because I don't want a judge to form his first impression of me based on appearances, particularly if it makes me look vindictive or spiteful.

Yes, it may. My point, though, was to not worry about all of that. The attorney advised me to do that and knew that if I saved it and didn't spend it, I would not like vindictive. I would just look like I was protecting that which I was legally entitled to, and I would be better off than I currently am. There are actually several times I didn't follow the attorney's advice because I was sure we were going to be exception to the rule and all those protective measures wouldn't be needed. We weren't going to be one of those couples. I was wrong, wrong, wrong - on all counts.

But again, you are right. That advice may not be best in all areas. Best to speak with the attorneys.

**Posted by Rob** August 3, 2018 6:44 am

Walk,

First . I'd like to interject some support in the thread here..
Our divorces are pomp and circumstance..these spouse left us long ago with what they did.. It should come as no surprise to them. I can think of no proofs my GX could offer be it sex or promises that could change the hurt and cruelty she inflicted.
As in the words of U2..walk on;
https://youtu.be/gwKEdFoUB0o

Second, get your financials in a row..take half of the accounts if you think he is vindictive. When to serve him? Do you think he will know what to do if you tell him he needs a lawyer? I luckily had one already..my,GX in one last glimpse of humanity asked if I had one she could serve the papers to.

Our conversation on the big D was like 2 sentences...mutual agreement..with her ready to serve me as if it made any difference who filed first...

Walk on..

Sincere wishes of strength and stoicism..

**Posted by Violated** August 3, 2018 7:05 am

walk, I intend to respond to you this afternoon, but i have a quick meeting to get to. I just talked to my therapist about this, and want to share his advice with you. I will respond this afternoon.