OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / 5 days since finding grinder on his phone

**Posted by Kaylamarie** May 23, 2018 11:13 am

I posted about 5 days ago that I confronted boyfriend about finding the gay app grinder on his phone, which he said was to ask advice since he was having gay dreams. Of course I did not believe him and left. We spoke 2 times since then and he started to talk over me and repeat that he did nothing wrong. He has called several of my family members saying a variety of things (never of course saying anything about me finding effin grinder on his phone). One day he was texting my family saying I'm mentally unstable and the next he said he's having an epiphany that he treated me bad in the relationship. He has text me saying I'm his soulmate and he wants to have a real conversation with me. I know I can't though because he's only trying to get me back. Why is he making this so hard? We were together for 5 years and I did everything for him so maybe he's clinging on to me because of that. Ugh need support

**Posted by justwokeup** May 23, 2018 12:08 pm

I'm pretty fresh in this situation myself so I hesitate chiming in. I'm still trying to build my strength and confidence. But...my situation is quite similar. I've been with my husband for 6 years, it was never easy but I loved him very much. I found emails from him to CL transvestites soliciting sex. He told me he liked talking to transvestites because they were more verbal than women. He never met them, even though he's been doing this since 2003 (HA), he merely used the dialogue in conjunction with watching porn to get off. My point is they will do/say whatever it takes to remain closeted. I realized, just since I found this site a couple of weeks ago, that I don't need to hear him anymore. He effs my mind much better than he EVER effed my body. The lies never stop. Stay strong, I'm sorry you're going through this

**Posted by justwokeup** May 23, 2018 12:12 pm

If he gets YOU to believe his story about Grindr (I'm guessing other people don't know), his secret will remain safe. Same with my jerkhead. I'm the only one that knows about his secret, if he convinces me to stay with him or believe his story, I'm sure as hell not going to tell anyone else about it. They don't want their jig to be up

**Posted by Kaylamarie** May 23, 2018 12:37 pm

Thank you justwokeup. I truly believe the lies will never stop either. He was so controlling in the relationship and I know he's trying to control me again. I know I will never go back to him b/c I can't ever trust him again. With all his begging and pleading I have to remind myself that I was the one lied to and I am the victim here. I'm sorry for what u went through, why do these guys think we are so gullible to believe anything?

**Posted by justwokeup** May 23, 2018 12:51 pm

I applaud your strength, keep it up.
I had to see a therapist because my anxiety level was on point. She thinks my husband may be a sociopath, he says he's a narcissist and she agrees with that also. Perhaps you are dealing with the same, they just have their own agenda in mind and nothing else

**Posted by Duped** May 23, 2018 12:52 pm

I also had proclaimations of an epiphany about how he treated me and how he wanted me so badly. Then he carried on lying in my face. It’s BS, don’t believe him, stay no contact you’re doing good.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 23, 2018 1:31 pm

Kaylamarie wrote:
Thank you justwokeup. I truly believe the lies will never stop either. He was so controlling in the relationship and I know he's trying to control me again. I know I will never go back to him b/c I can't ever trust him again. With all his begging and pleading I have to remind myself that I was the one lied to and I am the victim here. I'm sorry for what u went through, why do these guys think we are so gullible to believe anything?

Never call yourself "victim". It's not who you are

**Posted by Kaylamarie** May 23, 2018 2:17 pm

Ellexoh- I agree with what u said about calling myself a victim. It does not feel right as obviously I am not letting myself be one. I think I have been having such an internal conflict where I feel bad for him because I left him and am not speaking to him, when I should be focusing on my own feelings.

**Posted by Lena** May 23, 2018 2:40 pm

Kaylamarie,

Follow your gut.
If he has this app on his phone, there is more into this and it will be in the future.
Do not believe his explanations, he will never tell the truth. He wants to keep you as his cover as long as he can.
Maybe he is confused, but he needs to face this on his own without destroying somebody's life as though him and you won't work together as a happy couple.
If you are looking for our help and explanations to what you have found yourself in, it means you don't want your life to take the wrong turn.

Take your chance and leave.
Think of yourself. HE THINKS OF HIMSELF AND USES YOU IN A HORRIBLE WAY.
E-Hugs

Last edited by Lena (May 23, 2018 2:43 pm)

**Posted by lily** May 23, 2018 3:12 pm

There is nothing wrong with calling yourself a victim.

If you are one you are - it's not a sin.

Would you have a problem calling yourself a victim if he'd snatched you off the street? Because he's conned you instead doesn't make you any less of a victim. That's why you're feeling like one.

I left my ex after we'd been together a few years. I didn't know he was gay and didn't find any grindr apps or anything like that, well actually there was no internet in those days at all, I just knew something was wrong. He looked me up he came and told me he loved me and missed me (BS) and guilt-tripped me into coming back. I regret going back to him so much, it would have been so much easier just to have stayed away and chance of a better life.

Yes you were his victim. But now you have escaped his clutches and can lick your wounds cry over them as much as you like. So go ahead, it's good for you.

wishing you all the best, Lily