OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How to control jealousy?

**Posted by username1** February 9, 2018 11:11 am

Since I found out that my STBXW has been lying and dating, I'm having trouble not being jealous. I know I don't want to know what is going on and it would make me hurt even more. I don't want this situation to compromise my own integrity and values.

**Posted by Kel** February 9, 2018 11:35 am

I don't think it's jealousy - it's betrayal. You're SUPPOSED to feel that when your spouse - who willingly committed to you for life - gives to someone else what is rightfully yours. Why are you trying to make that betrayal not matter - have no feelings over it? True - you wouldn't feel that emotion if you could make it disappear. But WHY would you want to do that? Why aren't you angry with her for doing that to you?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 9, 2018 1:43 pm)

**Posted by phoenix** February 9, 2018 11:43 am

You are supposed to be jealous.. but, like Kel said, it's much more then just petty jealousy. If you didn't love her it wouldn't bother you. You do love her, so it's supposed to bother you. She's given the love she committed to you, to someone else.. and that's garbage. That hurts no matter what.

I burned for months and months because I found out what was going on. It hurt me more than I could have imagined.

My advice is to start picturing your life as a single person. Write her out of your future because she won't be part of it. Allow yourself to get angry with her (just don't lash out). The sooner you fall out of love, the less it will hurt you. Do not spy on her.. assume she is doing terrible things (because she is), but don't allow yourself to see or hear anything. The reality of it hurts significantly more when you start to see or hear real details. I know we crave answers to our questions.. but you'll protect yourself if you resist that urge to know more.

It's nearly impossible to do.. but you have to let her go. Write her off. Start to move on. The longer you love her the more it will hurt. So get angry and get rid of her.

**Posted by Rob** February 9, 2018 1:25 pm

username1,

.."I don't want this situation to compromise my own integrity and values..."

Yes, I made a pact with myself when I went through this...not to become cruel and hurtful like my GX. I did not want her to change me. It helps me sleep now but at the time it was not so helpful. I sometimes regret that I didnt stand up for myself more...but in the end it would not have made any dfifference...as single comment from me defending myself or pointing out how she was wrong or hurtful would always be twisted, to this day, into how mean I was.. It becomes pointless to debate with an irrational and immoral person.

Don't lose who you are ...do what needs to be done.. Then when it comes time to part just matter a factly state
things (that were not of your making). For me , it was telling her, on the day after the dirorce was signed, that no I would not be paying her bill for hotel rooms.

Last edited by Rob (February 9, 2018 1:30 pm)