OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Back and Forth, about to make myself crazy..........er

**Posted by JJ1966** January 4, 2017 8:53 am

Does everyone else here go thru a phase where one day you feel you are going to be fine and can't wait til your spouse moves out and the next you are second guessing yourself and playing sad country songs? wondering what you can do or could have done to "save" your marriage? How about when people find out your situation and then want all the gory details....no matter how many times you try and change the subject or tell them to mind their own business? today is a really hairy day and I have already experienced both before finishing my first cup of coffee???? How is that in any way right?

stupid country songs

**Posted by iamthelorax** January 4, 2017 9:17 am

Yeah it happens to me too. Sometimes she texts and acts all nice and I start thinking maybe I just misunderstood the whole thing but then I remember all the times I caught her lying to my face and I come back to reality LOL. Sorry you're going through that this morning.

**Posted by phoenix** January 4, 2017 11:12 am

JJ1966 wrote:
Does everyone else here go thru a phase where one day you feel you are going to be fine and can't wait til your spouse moves out and the next you are second guessing yourself and playing sad country songs? wondering what you can do or could have done to "save" your marriage? How about when people find out your situation and then want all the gory details....no matter how many times you try and change the subject or tell them to mind their own business? today is a really hairy day and I have already experienced both before finishing my first cup of coffee???? How is that in any way right?

stupid country songs

YES!!!

You are on the same roller-coaster ride that I'm on. Ups and downs constantly.. and the only thing that I know for sure is that there will be more ups and downs.

I feel like I have this compartment in my brain where I keep the hurt, anger, pain, suffering, rage, etc.. Some days that compartment is closed and I see my (now ex-) wife like the old her that I've known for 17 years. I related to her like I had in the past and I miss the old her and still wish she loved me and I could return to the way things were. Other days (or minutes or hours) it seems like that compartment door opens and all of those emotions of hurt and pain flood out and that's all I feel. One hour I want a hug and miss her touch and words and then next hour I want to just yell and scream and tell her how awful she is.

I have learned that I'm in control of what I want to share about the situation. I have no problem just telling someone that I don't really feel like talking about it right now because it puts me in a bad mood going through all the painful memories. I would encourage you to be confident and if you don't want to talk about it, just tell the other person that you don't want to go to that place right now so you'd rather not talk about that.

I think we all go through these stages. They are normal. What is different for everyone is when and for how long you experience each stage. Some people go through them in a different order and for different periods of time. Some people go back and repeat some stages. You will get through them and you will heal, that is for sure. But you can't really predict how long and when these stages will hit you. Just remember how bad things were at the start and realize how much progress you have made. You are a survivor of the most horrible betrayal and emotional injury (some of us also physical) and you are so strong. You are getting better every day even though it might not always feel like it.

**Posted by JJ1966** January 4, 2017 11:30 am

This feels like battle fatigue

**Posted by Clif** January 4, 2017 3:26 pm

I did the same thing back then but just could not do the country music thing

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 4, 2017 3:34 pm

Battle fatigue...and post traumatic stress.

I, too, find myself vacillating. I have decided to end the marriage, but haven't yet told my husband, as I don't want to subject myself to what everyone here says will be the likely reaction. Some days I'm strong, and can get through the day; other days I ache for comfort and closeness from my husband, the very man who has put me in the position of needing such comfort.
Like jkpeace, I am finding that even though I've reached a decision, after many months (I'm 22 months post disclosure now), and am certain that I will be glad in the future that I have taken the time I have, and done the things I've done to try to remain in the marriage, that last 1% is tough. I see that I tend to undercut myself; when I have a particularly strong day, I will find myself then wanting to do something supportive for my husband, wanting to make a move toward him. To tell the truth, I think maybe he's doing the same thing, because some days it seems as if he can barely stand to be in the room with me, and others he's affectionate, as if he is happy with the status quo (he's not cross dressing right now)--not that I know, because he has ceased talking to me about what he's feeling about himself. I suspect that the state of uncertainty I'm in must be something like that felt by spouses who never do know for sure.
Kel said in a post on another thread that people who were curious gave her a chance to talk things out--which I have found to be true with the one person I have told close by (two friends who live a thousand miles away now know, as well). Coming out of his closet, even to the extent I have by signing onto this forum and by telling the three people I've told, has been sanity saving for me. I can see, however, that once this news gets fully out (if it does, if my husband ever comes out while I'm still living and working in the same place, as I am now), it will be important to have thought about how to handle the idly or pruriently curious.

**Posted by Kel** January 4, 2017 5:14 pm

We all go through those phases. Heck, I go through phases every day and I'm damned happy and in love. Today was one such day - it's dreary out, cold, I have a smashed toenail and a cut-off fingertip (I'm the world's biggest klutz!). The house is in disarray from taking down Christmas decorations but not yet having them put away. It's just all overwhelming. Instead of getting on top of it all, I want to lie on the couch instead. It's not depression as much as boredom and laziness. If there were something bad going on in my life right now, I'm sure I'd think these feelings were from that. Sometimes it's not - it's just a combo of the weather and life and our internal clock/hormones. The only cure is to turn the lights on, crank up some good music, and get happy!

Kel

**Posted by JJ1966** January 5, 2017 7:45 am

Kel

have I told you I love your tagline?

**Posted by LC** January 7, 2017 11:54 pm

To All:

DITTO!

Don't Beat Yourself Up For it, expect it, then it won't be as hard.

Peace & Blessings
LC

**Posted by JJ1966** January 23, 2017 10:24 am

Still going thru this phase...but with a twist....now when I go looking for sad songs...I end up with happy ones...like brave from sara barellies.....I really suggest giving it a listen...it does wonders for me.