Thank you for the response Alex, I have already read several books including "An impossible marriage". Although it did take this whole situation from a faith based perspective, my critique of it is that their whole process seemed very cerebral and the kriegs used a lot of imagination and roleplay. Ultimately it seems being blessed with another child seemed to help Laurie through her trauma, but that's not exactly going to work for us. I do want to add that we are still sexually engaged with one another, and she still desires me even though other men do not appeal to her. I'm hoping that this is a positive indication that we'll be ok, but I know were not going to be out of the woods for some time. I feel like the 3 year statistic is ever looming over my head. Even after we seemed to come to an agreement, she reached out to another woman online. Fortunately I found out about it the same day and she was very apologetic. But my trust is broken at this point and our relationship is starting to feel like a facade. Everytime she has slipped up, the only thing that prevented it from progressing was the other woman. Its like she doesn't understand the gravity fragile situation were in. She's more trying to figure out her identity and expecting me to set the boundaries. Ive basically told her that I can never embrace that side of her because it runs counter to our marriage. I don't want to be some tyrant imposing rules on our relationship, I wish she would come up with boundaries on her own.

Hi Lost,

I agree with Lili, it does feel like you are the adult in the room. It is very common as same-sex attracted spouses go through the "second adolescence", but it doesn't mean you should tolerate it beyond your level of comfort. However, just like with teenagers, you might have to be the one setting boundaries - at least for a while. They need to be your boundaries and you need to be 100% committed to following through with the consequences.

You mentioned you will never get on-board with her same sex attraction... I hate to say it, but, even though it's not central to who she is as a person, it is still a part of her. You rejecting it will make your MoM success almost impossible.

You need to think through how you can embrace her ssa and at the same time what your boundaries are, so you show her acceptance without causing yourself pain. Can you read lesbian romance with her? Look at and discuss other women? Include more "lesbian" play into your sex life and let her fantasise about women from time to time, while other times ask her to be present and focus on you? Share what you find attractive in women and let her share as well? Anything to let her feel that you accept that part of her.

This "acceptance of other vs not causing yourself pain" is a very challenging balance in our situation. It will require time to find. Pain is almost inevitable, even if you are with a caring and committed partner. If your relationship had challenges beyond ssa, the equation becomes even harder to solve. If you are not ready for it, I would echo the MOM-naysayers and suggest you start thinking about separation.

Oh yeah, the 3 year statistic... remember, statistics only tells us about the past, the future is for us to create! Our society is broken. Therapists are not equipped to work with MOMs. Sexuality is put centre-stage of everyone's lives - be they gay or straight. The narrative from every corner is that if you have ssa, you have to act on it, otherwise you're not authentic. This is total BS! Imagine you liked blonds and your wife is a brunette (or the other way around), nobody expects you to go have sex with blonds "to be authentic". It's exactly the same with her liking women. So what.

Either way, whether you stay or leave, it is an opportunity to grow. Good luck and a virtual hug!

Last edited by Alex1984 (August 26, 2024 5:24 pm)

We did have another discussion last night and I asked her about the boundaries, if she is truly ok with them and understands why. She does agree with them and wants to make sure that I'm ok. She did admit that the feeling after coming out was intoxicating, and Im sure it had to feel very liberating, but she lamented the hell that it has put me through. I'm trying my hardest to not dwell on the hypothetical and she has stated multiple times that I'm her person and she only wants to be with me. We both know that rebuilding the trust is going to be a process. As far as her faith, she still believes whole heartedly, but is still confused as to why she is the way she is. We still go to church together and she doesn't sneak around. We very much discuss our plans in detail and know what the other is doing all the time. She's always been very down to earth so things like astrology, crystals, or witchcraft never appealed to her. She's also not very artistically inclined so writing books or making art isn't her thing. She loves going out on the town and loves having a group of friends to hang out with. Part of her coming out was due to her going out with her coworkers who validate that side of her. That being said, they do not enable cheating behaviors. I have been out with them and their husbands before and have no reason to not trust them. I think the term "second adolescence" fits the situation perfectly. She's spent so much of her life parenting and wife-ing that this gave her a reprieve. It's not a good excuse, but gives me some level of closure. She is a good woman who loves me dearly and I don't want to share life with anyone else. She's going out this Friday with her work friends (someone has a birthday) and I'm going to put my chips on the table. I'm going to bet on us. I will have to find something for me to do in the meantime, as sitting around the house alone only causes me anxiety.