I am not sure why I am writing- other than to finally voice my suspicions and to not feel alone in what I am going through. I live in a small town. I vacation every year in Mexico with two girlfriends and a closeted gay friend. He definitely hooks up on these vacations so I know what gay flirting and hook ups look like from the outside.

my husband and I have been married for 35 years and have two adult children.. He is 62, I’m 59. For the first 20-25 years, things seemed good. Regular sex, genuine affection. Probably about 7 years ago, distance started. My husband would push me away when we would snuggle at night, a departure from our normal routine. It became a power struggle and we would literally fight every night with him physically pushing me away. Like a wrestling match. I have a very distinct memory of deciding I didn’t like the interaction or having to beg him for affection. I decided that if he didn’t want me near him, I wouldn’t engage. And I knew that decision would be the beginning of the end. Because I felt he wasn’t attracted to me and that he wouldn’t initiate or give any affection. As time went on, he complained about wanting twin beds. My “muffin top”. He started to not be affectionate and his kisses became chicken pecks, at best. Most of the time it is more like an air brush- barely even making contact.  During times we had sex, he had an erection, but barely. It was definitely difficult for him. At first I thought it was me. Then I asked how I could help, what things he liked, etc. And he would shut down or deflect conversation. Totally  Not willing or unable to engage on the subject at all. Then I thought it was ED and age related.

In July of 2021 we moved and downsized to a smaller home and he sold his tractor to someone local who I know for a fact to be either bisexual or a closeted gay man. When he went to our old house with this guy to help load the tractor on a trailer, it took 5-6 hours, when it should have taken only about 2 at most. When I asked why it took so long, he said he had to explain how it worked, but I didn’t believe that because the guy who bought it grew up on a farm. He knows how to work a tractor for mowing. Flag one.

After that day, he would walk around literally singing the man’s name out loud over and over.  Flag 2.

Later that summer, he bought a camper and headed to Colorado/Idaho to fish for 6 weeks. I met him out there for a family wedding near the end of his trip. After he showered, I noticed he had trimmed his pubic hair while on his trip. Something he had never done in 30 years of marriage. Flag 3. I felt like that was done for someone other than me.

Later that fall and winter, he would invite the man who bought the tractor and his wife to dinner. ( They actually live across the street from us now.) The man would bring expensive gifts and my husband would give him expensive gifts. They would sit and drink and laugh and exclude us. The man’s wife actually got territorial at one point and kept referring over and over to ‘her husband’. It felt like the guys were on a date and we wives were baggage they brought along. Flag 4

in 2022, the friendship with the tractor man lessened and they saw less of each other. 

That Same year hubby finds a new fishing friend, and the day I met him, I told my husband I thought his new friend was gay and that I didn’t like him because when he came to our house he ignored me. Refused to say hello or acknowledge me. He was just rude and a complete departure from my husbands other friends. My husband got very defensive and immediately denied the friend was gay, and attacked me for voicing anything. And then he ran and told the friend what I said.

My husband’s behavior towards me totally changed. He was angry and snippy. He never came home when he said he would. In 30 years of marriage he had never treated me with such disrespect.I felt like I was living with an 11 year old boy who was angry and defiant and testing all the boundaries. I told him his friend was not welcome in my home. His friend was actively doing things to drive a wedge between my husband and I. My husband would come home and tell me things he said about me. I felt like I was being ganged up on by a group of eighth grade girls. It was that mean, that gossipy, that catty, that kind negative vibe and triangulation . I told my husband my thoughts and feelings.  I never accused him of being gay, but told him his behavior changed towards me and I thought his friend was gay. He and the friend exchanged expensive gifts. And continued to see each other daily for many hours at a time.

We tiptoed around the issue, with me hinting about marriages where people live more like roommates. Talking about people like Warren Buffet and his wife who lived separate lives but never divorced. 

Around that time, He had some buddies from high school come and visit and they were making gay jokes and my husband kept blushing and looking nervously at me. I think he was afraid I would out him.

During this time, sex was non-existent. I didn’t care because if he stepped out, especially with another man, sex with me is over. Period.

in Sept of 2022, my husband was diagnosed prostate cancer and had to have his prostate removed. Before his surgery I asked if he wanted to have sex, because there was the real possibility it might be the last time. He refused. At this time, I found some sex toys that appeared new and unused. He remained friends with the gay fishing buddy. Seeing him all the time to fish and telling me surgery affected his sexual function and it wasn’t working. At this point, I’m thinking, whatever. We can put this episode behind us.

in May of 2023, he traveled abroad on a fishing trip, and was home less than 24 hours when he decided to go fishing for the weekend with his gay friend. At some point when we were discussing his leaving again less than 24 hours after being home, I told him something like, “ I won’t beg for your attention. Do what you want.”

When he came home from the fishing weekend, I asked about the sleeping arrangements. There were four men. His exact words, “ Those two aren’t gay. One slept in a  bedroom and one on the couch. I slept in a bedroom with Jay, but on a daybed separate from his bed.”

Something happened that weekend between he and his gay friend. His gay friend has completely ghosted him or blocked him. There has been zero contact. My husband claims he has no idea why. He keeps reaching out and being ignored. Good riddance.

it is now one year later. He has made noises about having sex, but when I ask how things are working, he refuses to engage or says it’s not, I never get a straight answer or an honest conversation. He deflects, changes subject, won’t engage.

But, I overheard him making plans for an overnight fishing trip with a new friend and his words, “ I’m going to reserve the hotel room.  should I get one be or two? Ha ha. you never know Ha ha. I’m open to that ha ha.” The guy said two beds.

Yesterday, he asked for sex and when I expressed surprise because he has said it’s not functional, he said it works fine. Sigh. I don’t know whether it’s true, whether he actually wants to try to re engage or if this is some game or manipulation.

i don’t know what to believe. But bottom line is I’m not interested in a sexual relationship with him anymore. And honestly, post menopause, I’m not sure I'm interested in sex with anyone, anymore.. Although genuine affection, hugs, warm touches would be nice.

i think at this stage of life, neither one of us wants a divorce. But the marriage feels lonely and empty.  I have no desire for a second marriage late in life. I’m not sure how we even begin to rebuild or if that’s something either of us actually wants.

i have been speaking with a counselor through out all of this. And while she hasn’t agreed that he is gay, she tells me my perceptions have been accurate and to trust myself and my feelings. It’s hard when life remaining gets shortened  to a period of 20-25 years to decide the best path forward.