My husband and I have been rehashing a lot of relationship history.  I know it's probably counterproductive, but the situation is still new to me and I feel like it's a car crash I can't look away from.  I both want all of the details and none of them.

He keeps telling me that nothing he did matters (well, it mattered to me!).  I also think he's lying to me about the extent of his sexual activities outside our marriage.  He's only admitted to twice getting paid massages from a man, claiming that he masturbated himself at the end.  This seems completely unbelievable to me, especially after he told me he'd show me the results of his HIV test.  Why would he be tested for HIV if that was all he'd done?  He also went on a trip all the way across the country (without me) to attend a reunion where he reconnected with a man he had always claimed had sexually abused him as a teen (without telling me this man would be there).  Next thing I know, he's letting the guy and his wife vacation at our summer home without telling me.  I have to think something went on there, too. I'm getting so tired of all his efforts to hide and minimize what he's been doing.  

We haven't had a sexual relationship for a long time.  It stopped when he claimed he no longer felt emotionally connected to me and stopped being able to perform.  Now he's blaming me for not seducing him enough and not trying to initiate all the time.   I've also been told that I'm not warm enough and that I have  "don't touch me" body language are reasons why he stopped initiating. He's throwing in my face all the times he could have cheated on me (with men and women).  Suddenly he's this hot commodity that everyone is pursuing, and he tells me that his priest (a bi woman) has told him that other women wouldn't have a problem with his sexual orientation and would even "be intrigued by it."   Meanwhile, he portrays me as a hopeless sad sack who's so depressive and angry that no one one wants to be around me, plus apparently I'm homophobic because I don't find it intriguing that he's been unfaithful and doesn't desire me.  Somehow, despite the fact that I'm so emotionally stunted, he doesn't want to split up. When I talk about what I want for my future, including a relationship with a straight man someday,  he makes judgmental statements about how apparently sex is all that matters to me (when he's putting family first) and how sex no longer matters to him and how he doesn't even care if he has any relationships again. 

This feels like so much BS.  I'm just drowning in it.