OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Feeling Guilty

**Posted by Thelight** April 5, 2024 4:11 pm

Should he make me a bad guy for sharing his SSA with a close friend? I had to talk to someone.

**Posted by Rob** April 5, 2024 5:26 pm

No you should not feel guilty. Reading your story it seems he unilaterally made many decisions without telling you. I found they can dish it out but cannot stand it when we stand up for ourselves the tiniest bit.

More importantly keeping your hurt and stress bottled up will eat you up and make you physically ill. Its not something he should be doing to you on a moral level.

Wishing you strength and self love.

**Posted by lily** April 5, 2024 7:45 pm

I hope you know the answer to this question - no, no and no he damn well shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty for speaking to a friend. omg.

I waded through that religious article Dutchman posted because I wanted to hear what the gay husbands are saying and one of the most interesting things was this bit where a 'late disclosure' husband says how he had felt like there was a bomb in the basement from keeping the secret and what a relief disclosure was. Absolutely not one inch of care was shown for his wife. all about the impact on him.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 5, 2024 11:23 pm

Thelight wrote:
Should he make me a bad guy for sharing his SSA with a close friend? I had to talk to someone.

Fuck no Don't you let him shame you for your own reactions and emotions about something he has done. Do you think your close friend will go around broadcasting it?
It's more likely your friend won't say a word to your husband either because people are, I think, hesitant to bring up topics like this. A lot of my family know about my former partner's SSA but I can't imagine they would ever bring it up in conversation.

And don't attempt to justify your reaction (confiding in a friend) to your husband. He's not the boss of you! LOL
Simply say "it's done, I've told....deal with it" and look him in the eye when you say it

Elle

**Posted by Blue Bear** April 9, 2024 12:24 pm

He lost the right to his closet by dragging you into it.

**Posted by Thelight** April 28, 2024 10:14 am

It seems to be the theme that GID spouses go back and forth what’s the consensus if they go back and forth stay go stay go stay go stay go…… just suck it up and go…..

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** April 29, 2024 7:17 am

Thelight - GID husbands will take you on their roller coaster! Trust me - signs have been there for years and we Straight Spouses ignore/tolerate for the sake of the 'children' and wanting to hold our families together. But we were slowly dying because we are abandoning our basic human needs. Don't let your GID Husband control this narrative. It's ok for you to share and seek support. Remember, he's dealing with his Shame but don't let it become yours. Don't isolate yourself and be his beard! I'm not encouraging 'outing' him but it's ok to confide in your mutual friends (even if he knows them). Prioritize your well-being, it's crucial for your strength and resilience.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 29, 2024 12:59 pm

gwendolyn_C wrote:
Thelight - GID husbands will take you on their roller coaster! Trust me - signs have been there for years and we Straight Spouses ignore/tolerate for the sake of the 'children' and wanting to hold our families together. But we were slowly dying because we are abandoning our basic human needs. Don't let your GID Husband control this narrative. It's ok for you to share and seek support. Remember, he's dealing with his Shame but don't let it become yours. Don't isolate yourself and be his beard! I'm not encouraging 'outing' him but it's ok to confide in your mutual friends (even if he knows them). Prioritize your well-being, it's crucial for your strength and resilience.

This is a great comment and such good advice. And you will have to see more than the light. You have to see the door to the outside that the light is coming from. Then you have to focus on you, not him, to make your best decision for your life

Elle

**Posted by Thelight** April 29, 2024 7:18 pm

Thank you all again I guess I’m still on the rollar coaster. Told him to leave he said he wasn’t strong enough. He is angry at me for sharing his secret. Told him just like Elle said I did it I can’t take it back. Then he said he knows he has to work through the anger. I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who constantly resents me and is angry. He still here.

**Posted by walkbymyself** May 1, 2024 11:19 am

Blue Bear wrote:
He lost the right to his closet by dragging you into it.

I just had to see this again. Having to keep a secret is infantilizing.