Posted by Alone  June 10, 2023 7:13 pm | #1 |
Hello all. My husband recently admitted to me he is questioning his sexuality and gender identity. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have a teenager who is questioning their identity and I think this has raised some questions for my husband. He has had a fondness for wearing lingerie for some time and recently started wearing it under his clothes to work. So it wasn’t a complete shock to me to hear him raise these questions. We also have not had much in the way of a sex life for the past decade or so. But a few weeks ago he told me he wanted to meet up with a kink group and “experience sex with a man.” I told him I am not comfortable with him exploring his sexuality outside of our marriage, that if having sexual experiences with men was important to him, he’d effectively be ending our marriage. His reaction was at first to shrug his shoulders and say “well we don’t have sex anyway, what does it matter to you?” Now he says he realizes he was being selfish and of course our marriage is the most important thing and he won’t ever bring it up again. But I don’t want him to go back to closeting himself, I’ll feel like that’s a dishonest basis for our marriage and the unspoken will always be between us. How do I convince him I support him but not his desire to have sex with other people? How do we even begin to talk about this or stay married with this in the background? We have a good life together and love our child. Neither one of us wants to give it up. But I’m afraid his desire to fully experience his sexuality is going to drive a deep wedge between us.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 10, 2023 9:21 pm | #2 |
Alone wrote:
How do I convince him I support him but not his desire to have sex with other people?
I’m afraid his desire to fully experience his sexuality is going to drive a deep wedge between us.
To your husband though.....supporting him will probably mean that you will be okay with his desires to fuck another man. In his mind you can't/won't be able to do one without the other.
And yes it will drive a wedge between you, because his need may be bigger than what you have together.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon 765 June 11, 2023 8:07 am | #3 |
\ I told him I am not comfortable with him exploring his sexuality outside of our marriage, that if having sexual experiences with men was important to him, he’d effectively be ending our marriage.
Follow your heart. Are you comfortable with him exploring his sexuality within the marriage? Which may lead to wanting to explore it outside the marriage too... It's so hard to live with that unknown. You have the right to look after yourself and your needs too.
I don't think you can "convince" him to be something he is not. Perhaps the best way to support him is to set him free to live his life on his own terms, by letting go of the marriage.
Just make sure that you are making the best decision for YOU in all of this. It's not an easy time, but you will be okay.
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Posted by Rob June 11, 2023 7:15 pm | #4 |
Alone,
We should be enough for our spouses. I dont think God meant for to be in a amarriage where we feel alone and are hurt over and over.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by EmberLIT56 June 20, 2023 4:15 pm | #5 |
Hi Alone,
Your situation has some similarities to mine in the sense of being together for a long time (23 years together, 18 married) and having a spouse who is questioning their gender. From my own personal experience, this will never go away. My SO started out being totally against anything related to the opposite gender (I had suggested we dress up as each other's gender for Halloween and there was a TON of resistance against that one). Then a few years after we got married I came across a website search history for his wanting boobs. When confronted, he said that it was only that and curiosity, he liked to crossdress but wasn't gay and definitely didn't want to be a woman and he would stop. Fast forward maybe 5 years and the dysphoria is back. He's able to suppress it again for a few years but it comes back stronger and he wants to experiment with dressing, makeup, grows out his hair, starts electrolysis and laser hair, and when I threaten our marriage he stops. But now it's back and he's full out on HRT and has declared that he will now be she. We are currently in the process of getting a divorce. I have no problems with the fact that he is trans, but I know that I do not want a wife. Plus, the fact that he started HRT behind my back when he knew that it was such a hard topic for me instead of talking to me first just broke all trust.
I tell you all of this because I was like you. I believed in my marriage. I did not want a divorce. I thought our love was enough. I believed him when he said he only needed to dress up occasionally. When he first started to really think seriously about transition I went into "it will be ok, I'll teach you the ropes of being a woman and we'll be fine" mode. I kept that up for a few months until the shock of everything wore off and I started to have panic attacks about what he would come out dressed in next. My boundaries and what I wanted were never enough to satisfy what he needed. You seem like you love your husband. I loved mine...and of course as a good spouse and partner we want to try to give them everything they want. But please, don't lose yourself and your wants and boundaries trying to satisfy his.
What finally happened in my case was that I realized my marriage was not fair to either myself or my SO. I didn't want a wife, and he needed to be free to become the person he needs to be. In return, I need to be free to find myself again. Do I want to be divorced? No. Am I giving up my financial security thus making me scared as crap? Yes. But at the same time, I am gaining myself.
Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat more.
