That advice to move on and focus on yourself.... most people don't understand what this is like. I'm still figuring out what it's like, being somewhere between the beginning and middle. My therapist has been saying that for months. I ask how I get through this and she says I need to focus less on the situation and more on myself. That's nearly impossible- don't feel bad about that for 1 second.

Something that has helped me is a book on grieving. I haven't bought it yet but I intend to. I'm pretty sure it's How to go on Living When Someone you Love Dies by Therese Rando. I can check the next time I'm there to be sure that's it. I've read through several chapters and spent time reflecting on what it covers and it helped me sort things out. It describes the steps necessary to go from grieving to complete healing. I think there are 18-20 steps to healing. Feeling like I had some control and some idea of what to expect was empowering. Your situation can make it seem like your life is happening to you and that is extremely hard.

I've very sorry you're hurting and alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You didn't do anything wrong. You loved your spouse through that as best you could. You're an amazing human being. It'll get better. Might also feel worse sometimes. You'll get through it. 

EmberLIT56 wrote:

Hi everyone,

I'm new here.  A quick backstory.  My partner (mtf) has struggled with gender dysphoria for most of our 18 years of marriage (and 23 years together although the issue and extent was unknown to me for a lot of it).  She always hated it and said she didn't want to have these feelings and would try to suppress them and it would work for a while, but then it would always come back.  About 5 years ago, she started to dabble in dressing and makeup and at that point we went to marriage counseling.  We ended counseling on different footings--I thought it was all over and she had agreed not to transition, she thought she had agreed not to transition but needed to find things to make her happy (like dressing, etc).  Once again, it all came back and we were trying to work towards a compromise of what we each could be ok with.  But, it all blew up and in early January we separated.  She moved back home with parents and I stayed in the house.

This is where the jealousy comes into play.  When we married, we moved to her homestate and live within 5-10 minutes of her family and sibling.  However, we are 4 hours away from my family and hometown friends.  So now I feel like we are here in her territory and all of the support has gone to her.  Everyone is rallying around her to make sure she is ok, even taking her out shopping and to eat as her new identity.  I should be extremely happy that she isn't facing a lot of opposition and that for the most part people just leave her alone, but at the same time I'm extremely jealous.  When we first split, I got one visit from two family members and that's basically been it.  Rather, everyone is rallying around her, making sure she is ok, going over and playing games with her.  I understand that these are her family members, but I was a member of that family for a very long time and it hurts.  Here she is embracing her new life and enjoying all of the euphoria that comes with finding herself, and I feel so isolated and rejected.  It feels like I'm stuck picking up the pieces of a broken marriage and mourning the person that I thought I loved and that I trusted with all of my heart.  

I know everyone says that you have to move on and to focus on yourself, but I honestly don't know how to.  It's hard to untangle yourself when you have formed your identity with another person.  

There have been some issues that have arisen out of this (such as HRT boundaries that were crossed) that will need to be worked on if we are to have even a friendship.  But honestly, I don't know that that even matters to her.  Life is great for her now and I'm miserable. I also feel like a failure for not being able to accept this as easily as others have.  If we do end up back together, will people always judge me and be like "well, why couldn't you accept it to begin with?"
  
I'm just tired of feeling alone, hurt, and stuck.

Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (January 29, 2023 2:10 pm)

EmberLIT56 wrote:

....... Life is great for her now and I'm miserable. I also feel like a failure for not being able to accept this as easily as others have.  If we do end up back together, will people always judge me and be like "well, why couldn't you accept it to begin with?"
  
I'm just tired of feeling alone, hurt, and stuck.

Welcome to our Forum Ember. It sounds like your head has already accepted it.....you're calling him/her....but your heart is still catching up. 

"...it's hard to untangle yourself when you have formed your identity with another person"  omg yes! it's like you've forgotten how to be 'you' (me too). I have 38 years that I have to try to make peace with so the rest of my life isn't haunted by all the bad stuff in it that tends to rise to the top. But I will because it's my life and the best thing to happen in this Mindfuck was when I stopped focusing on what my bisexual/gay partner had done/was doing/might do one day and start caring more about myself. 
You wrote "I don't even know that that matters to her"...and I know this hurts but you're the only one who can stop it hurting. You're the one who has to find the strength for it not to matter that you don't know how mtf feels. 

It may sound grandiose and OTT but this Mindfuck is survival of the strongest. Your mtf partner had to hurt you to feel strong and begin a new life. You have to change your mindset and walk through this without hurting anybody because the straightspouse shouldn't have to. We should concentrate on us. And getting angry about this doesn't mean anything negative. Anger is just the match that lights the flame that starts the fire inside you to believe you're your own identity

Elle




 

Ember,

Your sister-in-law, sadly is not your friend... her loyalty is to your husband .       Their relationship is so unlike that of a married couple....she  may have good intentions ..but as youre finding out.. the hurt these spouses inflict is deep and vast.  Many friends and family have no concept or idea how much hurt we received and endured..     
It may be you need to move back to your family... to lose the inlaw family you have now..  In time, later, you can reconnect with them when you are healed and no longer hurting..   Or not.   

  We love and we mourn..
That others dont mourn is why terms like "trans widow" are said..  I could be called a "gay widower?"   But though many friends and family helped me ...few mourned with me ..   I found the whole experience malevolent and diabolical...  it was like my wife died but she was still living and breathing..so I was mourning a death that no on else could physically see.    I chalked it to my GXs hurtful plan for me..

Wishing you strength and courage.   Stoicism and faith.

ou put a gun to my head I will never trust her..

I should clarify, my sister-in-law is actually my husband's brother's sister, so not blood related.  I know, or at least I assume, that in her heart she thinks she is doing the best thing by trying to get my husband to be comfortable in his new skin, and that's great.  But it's like a huge slap in the face to me and I don't think she gets it.  And yes, she is married into the family and her loyalty lies with them--it's just hard because I remember sticking up for her and being protective of her when she first started dating my brother-in-law and he would do some stuff I didn't like.  Plus, if she is such a neutral party then where is the concern for me.  I've only gotten one visit (which was extremely short) a phone call, and a text where as I know she has taken my husband out and been over to the family house to play games and visit multiple times.    

I had my husband come to our house this past weekend as his true self so that I could meet her.  While she was here, I mentioned to her that I realized I don't belong here and have said it for a long time.  She was like "you always say that...is it true or are you projecting that onto my family?"  Maybe I am, but I also know that none of them has gone out of their way to give me the same consideration that I did.  About 10 years ago I became severely depressed but told no one.  I always used to be bubbly and talkative around the family, but I decided to see if I was around everyone and never talked the whole time we were together, would anyone notice?  Nope.  And it's not like I did this only once, but at every get together we had.  Often, I felt like when we were all together I was in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one heard me.

So tell me, what is a flying monkey (besides those creatures from The Wizard of Oz).

One of the first things you have to figure out is where peoples' loyalties lie. Some might side with "family", regardless of circumstances. Others may take a thoughtful approach and support those who need support, regardless of relationship. That's really rare. Few people are strong enough to stand on principle. They do whatever is easiest, whatever leads to fewer arguments or conflicts.

When a spouse comes out and shifts their identity, that's a major change for everyone. Most people won't do much for anyone, they'll do what they have to do to get back to their own lives because that's what actually matters to them. It's kind of heartless, really. The easiest thing for your husband's family is to approve of him, say it's great he's doing it, and move on. That's the end of it for them. If they engage with the injustice and loss you're experiencing, they're involving themselves more than they want. The conflict-avoidant family system is designed to silence anyone who's experiencing a real problem to keep the peace.

I can't be sure, but it sounds like that's what you're experiencing. No amount of reasoning or explanation will change it. If your SIL was the only one to show you any compassion and she's now acting like that, I'd cut my losses with the lot of them. They've chosen him over you.

EmberLIT56 wrote:

I should clarify, my sister-in-law is actually my husband's brother's sister, so not blood related.  I know, or at least I assume, that in her heart she thinks she is doing the best thing by trying to get my husband to be comfortable in his new skin, and that's great.  But it's like a huge slap in the face to me and I don't think she gets it.  And yes, she is married into the family and her loyalty lies with them--it's just hard because I remember sticking up for her and being protective of her when she first started dating my brother-in-law and he would do some stuff I didn't like.  Plus, if she is such a neutral party then where is the concern for me.  I've only gotten one visit (which was extremely short) a phone call, and a text where as I know she has taken my husband out and been over to the family house to play games and visit multiple times.    

I had my husband come to our house this past weekend as his true self so that I could meet her.  While she was here, I mentioned to her that I realized I don't belong here and have said it for a long time.  She was like "you always say that...is it true or are you projecting that onto my family?"  Maybe I am, but I also know that none of them has gone out of their way to give me the same consideration that I did.  About 10 years ago I became severely depressed but told no one.  I always used to be bubbly and talkative around the family, but I decided to see if I was around everyone and never talked the whole time we were together, would anyone notice?  Nope.  And it's not like I did this only once, but at every get together we had.  Often, I felt like when we were all together I was in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one heard me.

So tell me, what is a flying monkey (besides those creatures from The Wizard of Oz).