This time nineteen years ago I was in a hotel room, surrounded by my family, preparing for my wedding the next day.  I thought it was the last night before our forever.  I'm devastated laying here, alone, knowing that tomorrow is  now just another day in our lives instead of the milestone its supposed to be.  There are no gifts hidden away, no plans for dinner out.  I'm running errands tomorrow while he gets ready for his next body building competition on Saturday.  H'es more upset than I'm not coming to that than the fact he's ended our marriage in coming out.

My therapist said I need to turn the day into a positive, as a celebration of the day or family began, and to mark it by doing something fun and special with the kids.  Which I can see doing in the future, but this year I just want to mope.  If I didn't have to run errands I would stay in bed all day and do just that.  

I know it will get better but its so hard right now.  I went into the rooms he's living in for the first time and he removed all the pictures of me/us and the kids that I had in there (one of the rooms was my old office).  I found the ring I got him for Valentines day (because he wasn't wearing his wedding ring hello red flag) on the floor behind where his nightstand in a ball of dust when I was moving his stuff out of what is my room.  I'm a very sentinmental person, gifting and acts of love is my love language, and I'm seeing that he didn't value our time together or marriage like I did and my god it just hurts so bad.  

I don't understand how he can do this to someone he supposedly loved.  How did he justify so many years of lies?  Can can he so easily throw me away?

All of my friends are complimenting me for being so strong and I"m tired of having to be strong right now.