I would say no, do not let yourself think that you caused this. I'm not sure anyone here was in a poly relationship, but it's easy to deceive ourselves into thinking if we did more of this or less of that, then we could have avoided what happened. That's not reality. Orientation is inside a person, I don't think anyone 'makes' a person turn gay, lesbian, poly, or anything else we often see here. If someone has a need for another partner, of whatever sex, it was bound to come out unless they were really disciplined and committed themselves to monogamy. If you are wondering if you set the right boundary, I'd say you have the right to want monogamy. You have to be true to yourself. Self-sacrifice is not noble if it crushes your soul. If your spouse is content with the boundaries you have, it sounds like she is committed. If you are both working to maintain this relationship, I think you would be OK. Don't burn your energy pondering the road not taken. Focus on the road ahead. Be well.

I wish you success. Mutual communication, respect and honesty are key.

I believe some spouses who say. "l want to explore" downplay it to the least-offensive description of what they want. And often... because some of them don't actually know exactly what it is they want they will use language designed/spoken so as not to hurt us, not realizing that truth is, in the end, far less painful than continual evasiveness

Elle

Edited to add.... the moment the dynamics of an intimate r'ship are changed to having boundaries the couple ceases to be on the same wavelength they were before. You're giving one person the power to say the other can't do *this... And taking away the second person's power to not do *it

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 29, 2022 1:56 pm)

I am also in a mono/poly marriage and I am really glad you have reached out here. Polyamorous is an orientation, as is monogamous; and for both of you it is important to recognizing that it’s totally okay to be different and to celebrate and support those differences. Mono/poly marriages are possible, but it does take a strong commitment to - and heightened responsibility for -open and honest communication. If you haven’t already, and you have access to it, I strongly recommend getting a professional couples counsellor in your corner who can help with that - and make sure it’s someone who understands poly systems (they’re out there!). Lastly, I wanted you to know that your feelings are completely normal; I couldn’t help feeling that it was something about me that “drove” my partner to want to have romantic relationships with more than just me. And, I have come to realize that it isn’t true, just that it is predictable and normal to feel that way- and it can be worked through. I would continue to do what you are doing - reaching out - and I liked the suggestion another user said about forward focus? What is your vision for the relationship now? What commitments and boundaries are needed now so that you both get what you want and need? There’s a great book that can help with all this:” polysecure” by Jessica fern.

Its more or less acceptance. I mean what we came into agreement with and what i dreading wont happen, she is comfortable with the decision we had both made, but i just cant get out of my head. Poly meaning she just wants to be able to flirt around/ engage in mental/emotional desires with others in Virtual Reality and if the connection is there engage in sexual activites on vrchat aswell, also being Pan she has no judgment so gender doesnt matter. I mean its nothing physical like i set my boundaries for this is exactly what i want to give her but how do i tell myself its just over the internet its not interfering with our physical relationship or our marriage and the life we have with our kids.