Marianne,
    Your husband wanting to "bury the trans stuff" is a commonly observed behavior in trans-identifying men (AGPs).  It's part of the "binge and purge" cycle of behavior. Many men go through endless repetitions of this cycle.  But the urge to dress and the desire to be a woman never really go away; it just retreats for a while before it comes roaring back.  My ex described it as "an itch that is nearly always there."  And from my experience and observation of my husband's behavior, I would say that like all itches, when you scratch it the itch escalates.  This is why their behavior looks like the behavior of addiction: at first a little indulgence satisfies them, but they soon become acclimatized and want more; this, too, is a cycle.  So you are quite right that if you allowed him to return, he would never be the same person, the same man, as he was before his revelation.  Nor would his urge dissipate or disappear.  It's buit into them.  I also happen to think they want to "come home" or "bury the trans stuff" because they can't help their desires and want to indulge their fantasies, but are afraid to fully "live their truth"; they are attracted and repelled by it at the same time.  They count on our support and our acceptance, even though they cannot fully accept themselves.  It's frightening to think of launching out into the world and jettisoning all the ballast.  It's scary enough for us to contemplate life on our own.  

 As for your parents, I can only say that I just decided to tell her the truth, calmly, without embellishment. When I then told my mother (my father is dead) that I was divorcing my husband because he had decided he was a woman, her first response was a surprised bark of laughter.  I suspect she found absurd the vision of the man she knew dressed in women's clothes.  Her second response, when she had regained her composure, was to say I was better off out of that crazy. 

  Only you know your parents, but I would imagine that they would understand if you tell them that because your husband no longer considers himself a man--and therefore your husband--and has also said he is bisexual, and therefore wants to have sex with both men and women, which effectively ends the marriage, you will be divorcing him.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 7, 2022 4:25 pm)

Marianne - not surprised at all by your husband's immediate turnaround.  Mine did the same thing.  After we decided to definitely split and he realized he could do whatever he wanted ... he decided he wanted ME.  I knew it would be short-lived and I was not impressed by his declarations of undying love.  

I haven't posted here in months.  But I'm coming up on my two year anniversary of moving out (February 16, 2020) and subsequently divorcing, and the pain and hurt that was the worst in the those last couple of months of living with him has been replaying in my mind. 

Tell your parents and whoever else you want.  My dad (age 90+) was not surprised or shocked.  I told the people who are closest to me because it is my story too.  Good luck and best wishes to you as you proceed in your new life.  I never considered for one minute taking back my trans-identifying husband, after I moved out.  I knew life with him would be a repeat of his foolish behavior and infliction of misery on me, the person who tried her best to be The Good Wife for a decade.  

Thank you for all the support.

So I finally told them. I had to do it by phone because of the current covid situation here. I planned to call them just after lunch but in reality I procrastinated and paced nervously for another two hours before I found the strength to do it.

They seemed much less shocked than I expected. They were very supportive to me, they said they'd do anything to help me. And they didn't start hating my husband, but showed empathy.

It's a huge relief.