OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / confused about future

**Posted by Sara51** January 18, 2022 3:23 pm

I am new to this and hope I chose the correct section. I am three years into the truly traumatic discovery that my husband is bi or GID -many lies and omissions- we are married over 20 years and cannot see a way to be happy without one another however he seems unable to be faithful and seems to view his encounters as required for him to remain sane. I cannot be intimate with him given the situation (also no drive) and I wonder about a future with companionship only and if this has worked for anyone. The only time I feel peace is when I am not thinking about this piece of my life.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 18, 2022 7:09 pm

Sara51 wrote:
I am new to this and hope I chose the correct section. I am three years into the truly traumatic discovery that my husband is bi or GID -many lies and omissions- we are married over 20 years and cannot see a way to be happy without one another however he seems unable to be faithful and seems to view his encounters as required for him to remain sane. I cannot be intimate with him given the situation (also no drive) and I wonder about a future with companionship only and if this has worked for anyone. The only time I feel peace is when I am not thinking about this piece of my life.

I'm just about to jump on a plane but will come back to this to comment

Elle

**Posted by Toward the Light** January 18, 2022 7:21 pm

X

Last edited by Toward the Light (January 18, 2022 7:25 pm)

**Posted by lily** January 19, 2022 1:35 pm

Hi Sara,

I am wondering how old you are - is this a first marriage and you are in your 40's or is it a later one and you are older.

In answer to your question yes I tried it. In my 40's I decided to stay and turned my focus from the marriage to my studio. Basis - no sex at all which we were both happy with.

I could not recommend it less. 15 years down the road and he was sweating with toxic emotion.

It was like living with a snake and hoping for a comfortable co-existence!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 19, 2022 4:56 pm

Sara51 wrote:
..... I cannot be intimate with him given the situation (also no drive) and I wonder about a future with companionship only and if this has worked for anyone......

Good decision to stop intimacy while you decide your direction.
Stopping the intimacy with my partner was a conscious decision made after 3 years of indecision and research into myself and my future. I have no sexual need/want and made sure to tell him the reason was also because I felt he had no real interest in intimacy with me either.
We are still together. Both of us comfortable with it all. Things may change and I feel I am prepared for it. I'm less worried about what my partner thinks. We get on well, at the moment that's enough

Elle

**Posted by Sara51** January 19, 2022 9:50 pm

I am 57 and nearing retirement with four "young adult" children. I am really torn about how to move forward and I really appreciate any input. Feels like there is no good outcome. Thank you for your responses.

**Posted by Soaplife** January 20, 2022 12:59 am

Sara aim so sorry you are having to endure this nightmare.

when I divorced my husband 3 years ago I was 57 with 4 young adult children and 1 mid-teen. It was painful, no doubt. But infinitely better than continuing.

Model what you want for your children. An unfaithful husband getting away with cheating and hugely disrespecting his wife? Lies and covering up and pretending its ok because you fear being alone? Or an uncompromising message that that disgraceful behaviour has consequences. Including losing your family and the advantages that go with it. You won't lose the kids - but he might.

I recommend quietly looking into divorce. It will not get better and you are already tremendously unhappy and conflicted.

**Posted by lily** January 20, 2022 5:41 am

well, there is the possibility of a good outcome for you in that a man you can love and be loved by might turn up.

I personally have not seen any sort of a good outcome from staying in a MOM. One of the shocking things was when my father in law died. At the time I did not know he and his son were gay in denial. I don't know what my mother in law knew but it was shocking to see the lack of love between them in those last days at the hospital it could not be hidden any more. She blossomed when he died. she relaxed she was happy she went on coach trips. and all that time I had not realised how nice she was. I believed the bs dished on her by her husband and son.

I was 57 when I found out he was GID. I'd been with him all my adult life. I've been out for 8 and a half years now. I was able to make a nice home for myself. There was a man but a relationship did not eventuate. I am on my own and my cat has died. I am a million miles better than when I was married. I would not go back for quids.

**Posted by Blue Bear** January 22, 2022 12:32 pm

Sara51 wrote:
I am new to this and hope I chose the correct section. I am three years into the truly traumatic discovery that my husband is bi or GID -many lies and omissions- we are married over 20 years and cannot see a way to be happy without one another however he seems unable to be faithful and seems to view his encounters as required for him to remain sane. I cannot be intimate with him given the situation (also no drive) and I wonder about a future with companionship only and if this has worked for anyone. The only time I feel peace is when I am not thinking about this piece of my life.

I'm sorry you are here. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on MOMs, but the successful MOMs seem to require respect, understanding and acceptance on the part of both people. If there's a hope of a successful MOM, you have to accept:

he's cheating on you;
he feels compelled to cheat on you to stay sane;
he's cheating on you with guys;
he was dishonest with you about his sexuality throughout your marriage;
you are not intimate with him;
you have no sex drive (probably because of this situation);
you are looking ahead to a sexless future with a dishonest guy who refuses to stop cheating on you with guys; and
just thinking about this situation is driving you crazy (understandably!).

You have one ride on this merry-go-round called Life. Is this what you want?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 22, 2022 12:54 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
he's cheating on you;
he feels compelled to cheat on you to stay sane;
he's cheating on you with guys;
he was dishonest with you about his sexuality throughout your marriage;
you are not intimate with him;
you have no sex drive (probably because of this situation);
you are looking ahead to a sexless future with a dishonest guy who refuses to stop cheating on you with guys; and
just thinking about this situation is driving you crazy

Wow Blue Bear... That's an honest, true list, one that made me sit up and think "what the fuck am I doing with my life!"
I can carry on with my comfortable life, with a man I no longer trust, can no longer talk to about the things that haunt me....or take a leap of faith and step away from everything that stops me from knowing what it's like to not be in that life

Elle