Posted by broomhilda2  November 8, 2020 5:21 pm | #1 |
Hello - My gay husband & I started "Discernment Counseling" 3 weeks ago to try and figure out a new path for our relationship where we are (1) not married (2) and to work on our friendship for the sake of our son. This is the type of counseling I had been looking for so that we could try to be friends again and continue living under the same roof. We have a 14 year old son and I have a small business in the area... I am a child of divorce and I wanted to spare my son having to live in separate houses. I also wanted to spare myself the financial burden of having to get my own place. On my own, right now, all I can *maybe* afford is a studio apartment in a bad neighborhood - certainly not enough space when you also have a teenager.
My husband has been sleeping in my son's room for a year so, last week, during our 3rd therapy session we discussed how to navigate our sleeping arrangements and decided that we could convert the garage into another room... but then he started asking WHY is it he that has to move? Why does HE have to be the one sleeping in our son's room? etc. I said it was because HE lied, HE married me knowing full well he was gay. I was stuck because of HIM. At this point, he told the therapist & I that he never tried to manipulate me and that he had "fallen in love" with me back then... The therapist told me that she BELIEVED that he had fallen in love with me & was in love with me, which still has me reeling.
During our marriage, he rarely told me he loved me to my face... HOW do you fall in love with someone you are not attracted to? I have female friends who I care about but I am not & could not "fall in love" with them because I'm not sexually attracted to women.
Anyway, that has upset me for days & I've started to feel like I've totally ruined an ok life for myself. My intent in trying discernment counseling was to try and hold on to the good parts of that life while letting go of the emotional commitment to my husband. My own parents are friends now even though their divorce was nasty. I figured that since my husband & I will be in each other's lives forever because we have a son, that I'd try and work out our problems now and save us all some grief.
As of right now, I don't want to continue with counseling because the therapist seems to feel more empathy for my poor gay husband who can't accept himself *barf*. Am I just being emotional because this is hard work? Should I continue with counseling a couple more weeks and see if we can figure out how to keep our house? Otherwise, I think the only alternative is to sell our beautiful first home so I can have enough money to move out which may mean my son has to travel long distances to see us both (Los Angeles is crazy expensive)... I hate putting my kid through this at the start of his teen years.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz November 8, 2020 8:21 pm | #2 |
Broomhilda..Get a counselor for you. Find somebody who listens to your story, and let's you figure out where you belong. Yes I wanted my children to have parents who didn't divorce. But my first husband was violent, so I left him. Both children from that marriage have gone on to 1/divorce, twice! and 2/ suffer from mental anguish that stemmed, I'm pretty sure, from the fact we divorced. We can beat ourselves up til the cows come home but there comes a point when we just have to be honest and loving with our children so they grow up believing in their own ability to cope with what's thrown at them. And I think you can only be proud of a successful marriage/partnership when you get to the end of it.
There are so many twists and turns in anybody's life that have an impact on.....well, everybody 
My 2nd longterm r'ship....the going-on-36-years one....I was determined to do everything in my power to keep!. Even when he became angry with his stepchild....I justified it with the fact that in a few years this rebellious teen would leave home/it's just a teen phase, and that's exactly what happened 3 years later. The irony of fact that she is now a confidante, and knows what my 'relationship status' is now....is not lost on me
All the work we put into our r'ships mean nothing if we're not proud of what we've done. But I do believe we should separate the parts of our life we're proud of, and the bits of it we're not. I'm super-proud of the smart beautiful woman that rebellious teen has become. I try not to feel guilty and blame myself for my choices because that's life right? Children are more resilient than we think...but only if they feel we're listening to them, and vice versa.
Elle
ps...sort out your own counselor. You are the important one
KIA KAHA
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Posted by broomhilda2 November 9, 2020 1:06 am | #3 |
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
ps...sort out your own counselor. You are the important one
Thanks. I have my own counselor as well.
I spoke with my husband this evening and he will be moving in with his mom tomorrow. We also sat down with our son together to tell him.
... more baby steps forward
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Posted by Blue Bear November 9, 2020 9:22 am | #4 |
Broomhilda: Have you met with an attorney to discuss your financial options? Sounds like you might have been married for a long time, and you might be entitled to more than you think depending upon applicable law.
As a really horrible example, my ex-wife's girlfriend's ex-husband (i.e., the straight spouse husband on the other side of the affair) is paying an obscene amount monthly to his ex-wife because they were married for about 16 years. I feel horrible for him because none of this was his fault, but the law could benefit you in this case.
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Posted by broomhilda2 November 9, 2020 12:26 pm | #5 |
@Bluebear
Thank you. No I haven't yet. The first & only time I tried, the lawyer wanted me to provide a lot of personal info & 2 tax returns before he would consult with me. I felt weird about that.
I'm in CA, so we are a no-fault 50/50 state.
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Posted by Blue Bear November 9, 2020 12:49 pm | #6 |
The lawyer will use the tax returns and personal info to help you begin understanding the "after" picture and what you are entitled to. As an attorney myself, I can assure you that asking for this information is a normal part of the process, and your attorney (even during a mere preliminary consult) is required to keep the information you provide in strictest confidence. Good luck.
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Posted by broomhilda2 November 9, 2020 3:20 pm | #7 |
@BlueBear
Thanks for clarifying. I hadn't met with the lawyer at all or talked to anyone. I was simply filling out a free consultation request online. To me, it seemed more about learning about my ability to pay for prolonged services.
My husband is moving out for a week so we can have some space, I'll try to reach out to a lawyer this week. Thanks!
