I’ve been married for over 17 years. When we first married, I wanted sex frequently but my husband didn’t. We’d have sex a couple times a month, when he wasn’t deployed. A year into our marriage, I found chat messages online between him and another person - a gay man in drag. I confronted him and he claimed he was trolling. I was hurt and it seemed odd but I wanted to trust him so I let it go.

Throughout our marriage, my libido declined. His increased. He told me about his fetish for fur, which was ok with me. We watched porn together - all hetero or girl on girl. He would sometimes cross dress in marabou or fur and get disappointed that it didn’t turn me on. We would go to gay bars together or with friends. He became friends with a drag queen but ended their friendship when they asked him for money for “court fees”. My husband and I at some point began having occasional anal sex.

Cut to three years ago. Our sex life was down to maybe three times a year. Then I had GYN issues leading to two surgeries culminating in a full hysterectomy. My hormones are gone, and I can’t take them for medical reasons. I’m hardly ever turned on, and I feel super guilty about it. My husband had moved on to wanting anal toys used on him. He watches a lot of porn and masturbates up to three times a day.

Last weekend, my husband admitted that he is attracted to male genitalia but says he’s still attracted to women. This attraction includes men in drag and she-males. He has expressed no interest in having extramarital relationships or experimentation outside our marriage. However, he encouraged me to purchase a strap on and use it on him. After some alcohol, I used it in the pitch dark.

I felt nothing. No excitement. No empowerment. He’d never been more turned on.

I’m concerned about my role in our marriage now. That I may not be enough and am feeling very insecure. I asked him if he’s bi and he said he thinks so. A few days later he drunkenly confessed to having been molested around age 18 by another man (groped) but nothing further. He never told anyone else.

He says he loves me and only wants to be with me. But I’m afraid he may want to explore things further at some point, and I’m not OK with that. I told him as much. He assures me he’s not interested in men. I’m not sure what to think now...