Posted by NY2LA  July 20, 2020 1:55 pm | #1 |
Hi Everyone,
My boyfriend of 3 years recently came out to me as bi. This is after I spent 2.5 years filled with anxiety and gaslighting as I kept discovering him sexting men secretly. We went to therapy and they labeled it an addiction, they claimed he used it as a coping mechanism to boost his self esteem when stressed, that is how I have explained it to myself for all of this time.
I knew at the bottom on my heart that he was probably bisexual, if not just gay. I am a fairly open minded person, so if I had known he was bisexual in the beginning it wouldn’t had been a deal breaker, dependent on the lifestyle he would had desired us to live. I ultimately prefer monogamy.
Now after all of this time, and moving with him from NY to CA (we did this 5 months into our relationship, before I witnessed the sexting) he confessed his bisexuality. He would desire, with time and comfort, that he be permitted to meet with men on occasion, claiming it would maybe be an every few months thing. The thought of him seeking sexual exploration outside of our relationship scares me, thinking he may prefer it and leave me later in life. I also have read that many couples that practice “gendered monogamy”, which allows consensual sexual relations with the same sex outside marriage, works really well for them and has brought them closer.
I am bisexual but my attraction is more related to the personality of the person than the body so I don’t require this outside sexual exploration.
I’m curious if anyone has any experience with this lifestyle and advice on what I should do? I love him very much, other than this constant struggle with him hiding his sexuality throughout our relationship, we are very happy together. I’m not sure how I feel about gendered monogamy, as I am the type of person to desire an individuals undivided attention. Also, I am not sure if I am being fair to myself if I default to the way he wants to live (gendered monogamy) rather than the way I always expected to live (monogamy).
I appreciate your input. Thank you!
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Posted by SusanneH July 20, 2020 3:08 pm | #2 |
My husband is bisexual, and would prefer an open marriage. Some couples do it and say it works well for them, however, it sounds like it's not something you would do willingly. I've seen too many (especially women) want their partners to be 'fulfilled', so they open the marriages so their partner can have a sex friend on the side, only to be miserable because the did. Most of them are guilted into it. I've heard husbands say things like they have yokes around their necks, etc.
I, on the other hand, am strictly monogamous. I thought seriously about it, but just can't 'share' my husband with other men (he already had hook-ups with many men(nothing emotional, just oral sex) for our entire relationship until I found out- after 15 yrs. Yes, I am religious, and that guides me, but doesn't rule me. But, my core values just can't have an open relationship.
I have to ask this of those who want their bi/gay partners to satisfy their urges/needs, would they do the same if the partner wanted to have sex with someone of the opposite sex. If my husband just yearned for young, bosomy women, and had to have them to be satisfied (ie:something different from myself, just as a man is different), there would be NO WAY I'd open the marriage so he could go have sex with these young women! And, I don't know of any *many?* who would. So, I use that as an example.
Once again, I'm not the authority on this. It's a personal decision, but one that has to be wanted by both parties.
Off my soapbox. ;)
Good luck! It's not an easy road either way.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset July 20, 2020 3:15 pm | #3 |
Of utmost importance in a relationship of "gendered monogamy" or an open relationship is honesty. And one important guide to anyone's future behavior is their past behavior. Your boyfriend has not been honest with you in the past; what suggests that will change in the future?
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz July 20, 2020 5:24 pm | #4 |
NY2LA wrote:
.....................He would desire, with time and comfort, that he be permitted to meet with men on occasion, claiming it would maybe be an every few months thing...............
It maybe "would be" an every few months thing.....but actually "could be" more often. I measure my partners honesty these days by his dishonesty over 3 years ago. It may be wrong of me to continue doing this but the secrets he kept shattered the trust I have in him.
You have to be totally sure you can believe in a man who has kept fundamental parts of himself from you. And a man's sexuality can be based around an entitlement to do as he pleases because many men separate love and sex which make that entitlement, with all it's secrets, easier to choose
Elle
KIA KAHA
