OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Holidays

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** November 20, 2019 3:33 pm

Why is it that no one takes the straight spouses feelings into consideration? My husband and I have been together 20 years, married 10. We have gone to his family, first his grandfather but after his passing his moms house for Christmas Eve. We exchange gifts with her and his brother and their family. I have very little family so this has been my main family for 20 years. I do not feel like going this year. It has nothing to do with any ill will towards his mom, brother etc but just the mere fact that I am unhappy. I am not saying him nor our daughter cannot go I just do not feel like going. We are separted, but if we were separated living apart I most likely would not go and that would be more acceptable? I did not want anything for my birthday, because It just was not something I wanted to think about and my mother in law refused to oblidge stating that one thing doesnt have to do with the other. Meaning, my birthday does not have anything to do with what is going on with my husband. I think what they fail to realize is that this affects me the most. I WILL be alone for Christmas Eve, Christmas day after we open gifts because my husband goes to his aunts, New Years Eve dinner I will miss, New Years Day. That everyone else gets to go on as everything is the same but my life is the one that changes but i do not get sympathy but most likely will be giving grief over this.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 20, 2019 4:19 pm

Yes, it is unfair, and hurtful, and part of the whole rotten mess they hand us.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 20, 2019 8:13 pm

StraightSpouse1979 wrote:
.....everyone else gets to go on as everything is the same but my life is the one that changes but i do not get sympathy but most likely will be giving grief over this.

So don't expect sympathy.....the people you want it from probably don't have the words or understanding to express it anyway. And don't accept the grief you may get. It's their grief, not yours right? You are your own person with your own will...able to make your own choices. Take a deep breath and make those choices. Just because you've always done Christmas the same....doesn't mean it can't change now. Your feelings are more valid than ever

**Posted by Abby** November 20, 2019 8:51 pm

Could it be possible that your mother-in-law and others in his family like you and want to continue to celebrate the holidays with you? That you will be missed? Would it be appropriate to let them know that it isn't that you don't want to see them but that you need some time alone at the holidays this year?

I am guessing that you probably aren't retired and if so Thanksgiving is a special day for you simply because you have it off. Can you think of something that you would like to do for yourself while they are gone? Color your hair? Do your nails? Purge your closet and drawers of stuff that does not make you feel good about yourself?

It is only a few hours and crawling into bed and pulling the covers over your head is also an option, as if eating pizza and watch football. Whatever it takes to make it to Monday.

.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** November 23, 2019 10:58 am

Once you accept that you will not get sympathy from some, it gets easier.

We are widows/widowers living with a living corpse. The person we married does not exist. The attributes of that person fundamental to an intimate marriage died. (In the case of GID, sexual attraction, in the case of trans, the man/woman is gone). If we were widows/widowers we would get all the sympathy in the world.

No one who has not experienced it can truly emphathize. Some can empathize the loss, but no one can understand the 'living corpse' experience. It is unique to the SS experience.

Once we accept that, our friends and family will not disappoint us in their lack of empathy.

All the best,

ADSJ