I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's not clear to me why there should be legal consequences of this discussion.  Has your lawyer explained this at all?

I've been pretty insistent and, to be honest, pushy about this point.  It makes sense to give your kids this information at a time and place of your choosing.  It's very distressing news for them, so there's no way to avoid the pain -- but that pain is coming whether or not you tell them yourselves, because sooner or later the truth comes out.  If you abdicate responsibility for making sure they find out in the least distressing way, they're going to hold that against you.  

I can't even begin to imagine a strategic reason to withhold this information from them, but it may be your lawyer is concerned that you will appear vindictive to a third party (like a judge).  

When I started down this path, I hadn't yet decided to divorce, but I told my husband that our daughter would need to be told, and that it would be best if it came directly from him.  I gave him a deadline and said if he hadn't told her by then, I would do it myself.  

I don't know what legal strategy your lawyer is concerned with, but you may want to ask him whether that approach would work.  Here are a few things that he needs to know:

1. Your husband isn't a good enough liar to keep this secret forever.  If your friend spotted him in a bathhouse, your kids' friends (or enemies) could as well, and you would have no control over the circumstances under which this deeply distressing truth is delivered to your kids.
2. You can't say for sure whether one or more of your kids may already know, and be hiding things from you.  That's a dynamic that's unhealthy for any family.  Siblings need to be able to be honest with one another and with their parents.
3. You don't want your kids to find out the day a police officer comes knocking on the door to tell them their father has been found dead in a bathhouse.

The issue is not whether or not the kids will find out.  The issue is when and how it happens.  As their mother, you have the power and the responsibility to be sure it's done in the least disruptive and painful way.  If you're not going to handle that responsibility, they're going to hold you at least partially responsible, since you'd also lied to them.

Walk,
Thank you for the thoughtful response.  So much great advice and I am touched you took the time.

The lawyer is hoping to have a quick settlement, called collaborative law in PA, which will be much more likely if we only deal with the financial issues.  If it gets more complicated than that we are talking months and months of a long dawn out court proceeding.  I also want this fast-tracked.  I read all these posts written by people who still consider their ITC GX their good friend.  Nothing could be further from the truth for me.  I want him out of my life, yesterday if possible.

As for my children, I completely agree with your reasons for not keeping this from them.  I am comforted by the fact that they all live far away and their close friends are not here to potentially catch wind of what is going on.  Having said that, I am not going to keep them in the dark much longer.  (My lawyer is on vacation until Thursday.)  And I really am going to explode if I can't talk to them honestly SOON.  We are very close and this has been beyond stressful. (Most days I throw up at least once and I am covered in hives from head to foot.)  I like to believe that they don't know.  As I said, we are very close and they know that I don't have any problems with the gay/loving lifestyle.  This other disposable lover stuff is a big problem for me.  More on that later

Blindsided-

Your story sounds similar to mine. Married almost 33 years, with 3 daughters aged 22-30. My STBGX admitted to same sex attraction in Oct. wanted to stay married & have his comfortable life as well as his his gay fantasies, gay porn & and God only knows what else. He denied acting on it, but I can’t believe anything he says.  As weeks passed he admitted to masturbating in truckstop & reststop parking lots as well as campground showers. (Seems to me it’s a mental/personality disorder, not just sexual orientation issue.). He has a therapist, but he must not have been effective help, things seem to have escalated for him as time goes by.

I knew I couldn’t stay married to anyone with all these issues & gay.  I told my 3 daughters all the details immediately.  I am & always have been extremely close to them. I have 2 granddaughters too. I would never want them around a 51 year old man who committed these types of behaviors, it’s too bad it is their father(but he refused to admit the severity of his issues & instead tried to minimize & normalize the behavior. My children/grandchildren aren’t having anything to do with him because of all of this. They are very sharp girls & don’t deserve a relationship with a father who is willing to put all this gross behavior & hurt on them, or me.

These men choose this way of life.  They know it will have consequences, that’s why it is a secret life!  I’d never keep this from my girls. They are of an age where they deserve the truth & to know why after all these years their parents are divorcing.

I’m with you, I will never be “friends” with someone who cares so little, they could choose to treat me & my girls this way. It’s not just about sexual orientation, it’s the terrible person he is. I’m trying to get this done as soon as possible, but it is not soon enough. My STBGX is trying to take financial advantage of me & my girls on top of all the other ridiculous acts. I’m ready to be free! 

My girls have been so supportive of me and of each other. That’s how we are getting through what he has intentionally put us through.

Best wishes & keep us posted!