OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Gaslighting-What it is, Who has experienced it...

**Posted by Dog lover** March 18, 2019 11:42 am

Hi all,

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have been divorced now for almost 4 months. It is still as painful as it was then. From previous conversations here and elsewhere, I have been told there was gaslighting involved. I have researched this phenomenon, but still wonder if it really happened to me. I am trying to fit pieces together in my mind as I recover. Would you all be willing to share your thoughts and experiences on this subject? Thank you!

**Posted by Duped** March 18, 2019 1:27 pm

Hi DL, for me it was the rewriting of history, he would say his version of things that was mildly believable (but definitely lies) and persist with his version until
i could almost buy it. This happened over many issues, drugs, whereabouts, sexuality and more trivial things.

Now if he tried that on me my clear head would tell him to get lost but when you are in it it is so very hard to punch your way out.

**Posted by Rob** March 18, 2019 3:18 pm

Yes, it is a horrible feeling...   For me it was even more simple; she would tell me she told me something and I knew she did not...knew in my bones she did not but she said it with such conviction that I would doubt myself.     Yes its them lying to you but its that doubting of yourself and their absolute conviction in the lie that give it an almost demonic feeling as they want you to think you are crazy or forgetful.     Let me repeat that...they know they are lying and they want you to think you are forgetful.   It makes them feel in control and superior I guess..   it is the opposite of love.   It is malevolent.

Straight out of the movie Gaslight.   Whats interesting is in the movie we as viewers can see she is being abused.. as the lies are emphasized and dramatic... but when we experience it ourselves, we don't always know they are doing it and don't realize its abuse.

Be thankful you're away from that.   There are people in the world that could never do that to someone...surround yourself with them.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 18, 2019 3:30 pm

He always accompanied it with...anger.
And dismissive irritation.
Which is what alerted me to the fact 'something' want right..because he was never angry.

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** March 18, 2019 4:23 pm

My therapist defines it as trying to alter someone's reality.

So, my spouse presented himself to me as a heterosexual male. He took active steps to hide the trans thing from me. Every time he took steps to hide that truth he altered my perception of reality. He made me believe I was married to a heterosexual male when, in fact, I was married to a "trans woman."

**Posted by Scrupulous** March 18, 2019 6:06 pm

I'll never forget sitting on the beach and having a deep meaningful discussion with my future "prince charming" that couldn't get enough of me. As we talked his eyes kept averting toward a couple of men that walked along the sand. I assumed they were gay by the closeness between them. I noticed my 'prince' could no longer focus on our conversation as he seemed to be totally engrossed by the two. At first I figured he was questioning the pair as I was, but when he locked dreamy eyes with the more handsome one, held the gaze with a little smirk at the corner of his mouth and quickly grabbed his crotch, I knew otherwise.
After they passed and while 'prince homo' was getting a good look at their asses, I said, "Uh, you think those two guys were gay?"
His résponse, "What guys? I was only listening to you."

That, my friend is gas-lighting. There are many other forms. But as Rob said, it's demonic.....because as far as I'm concerned, they are and will do anything to glaze over the truth of just how putrid they are inside.

**Posted by Whirligig** March 18, 2019 8:18 pm

At it's simplest, gaslighting is anything someone says or does to make you believe a lie is the truth and the truth is a lie.

You were probably getting a lot of 'how could you think, believe, feel _____?' type questions, 'I never said ____' type statements, and accusations to distract you from their actions/lies and to make you feel crazy. It's such a terrible thing to doubt yourself.

Last edited by Whirligig (March 18, 2019 8:23 pm)

**Posted by gonzo2000** March 22, 2019 8:51 pm

Hi Whirligig,
Going by your definition of "gaslighting, I would have to say that for most of my life, I have been subjected to "gaslighting". I was born into a very dysfunctional family that practised the belief that females are inferior to males.
So AJ (GID husband), was the first man who seemed genuinely interested in me, my happiness, and I naively, gullibly believed he was being genuine/honest. It wasn't until his 40th birthday (13years of marriage), that his behaviour toward me became nasty.

Last edited by gonzo2000 (March 23, 2019 6:14 pm)

**Posted by Violated** March 23, 2019 12:04 am

It is a mind f-ck. My GIDXH lied with such conviction. I wanted to believe him so badly. I was trying to make sense of his nonsense. It got to the point where I had to immediately write down what he told me because the next day he would deny it. I had to concentrate and pay attention when we had conversations, I had to focus and use my rational mind. For example, one night when he was drinking he told me, he needed to satisfy his needs by having gay sex once a month and that being with a younger guy would be a turn on for him. (He said this to me when I baited him into believing we could "open up" our marriage). I knew when he said those words to me , my marriage was over. I wrote down his words, with tears in my eyes........ I will never forget that moment.

The next day he denied it all......claiming he was talking in the hypothetical.....

**Posted by ReImagining** March 23, 2019 3:43 am

It is mindf-cking you completely. It starts out simple enough and maybe with just them saying it with conviction so you believe them or risk an argument. Then they keep going until it essentially is memory manipulation. It also opens you up for projecting, as you don't know what to believe anymore in the later stages.

For me, it was surrounding her seeming to always text a woman friend. At first, when I questioned her she said just an online follower to her blog. If I argued that I think it was the same person she kept texting yesterday, she'd deny it and pick an argument with me over something else.