OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Lost and Scared

**Posted by LastOne** February 4, 2019 11:39 am

This is my first post and I am alone and need help. My wife of 10 years told my on January 2nd that for the last 3 months she has been seeing one of her best friends who is a lesbian, she told me that she has always thought she is either bi or a lesbian but never acted on it. She told me that she initiated the hook up and has enjoyed them since. We have talked to length about what is going on and last night for the first time in a month she told me that she was going out to have her personal time. I have told her, and know in my heart that I support her and what is going on inside of her but that I cannot give her my consent to go out with her friend. I told her that I cannot and do not want to control her and that she was a grown women who could do what she wanted or needed. I told her that I would not be able to live with myself if I did not speak up and voice how it was, and is going to affect me. The conversation ended poorly with her telling me that she felt that she was in prison and that I had total control over her. Am I being unreasonable to voice my feelings to her or should I support her exploration with open arms?

**Posted by phoenix** February 4, 2019 12:09 pm

Voice your feelings! Set boundaries!

When you got married did you pledge yourself to her alone and expect the same in return? Or did you agree at any point to an open relationship? She doesn't get to change the rules to benefit her desires and expect you to happily support her .

Would you allow her to cheat on you with a different man? Why is it different if it's a woman?

You get a voice and you should expect her to treat you the same way you would treat her.

Welcome to the forum LastOne. I'm so sorry you are here and struggling with this pain. I know it all too well as I went through it myself. We are here to help, please continue to share and ask questions.

**Posted by walkbymyself** February 4, 2019 1:21 pm

Your wife feels like she's in prison and you have total control over her?

Can I ask, was that in reference to the sexual issues, or was she talking about something else, like money or something like that? Because if that was solely in response to your personal discomfort over her going out with someone she's already acknowledged cheating with ... uh-uh. That's not "prison".

You're not telling her what she's "allowed" to do or not do. You're telling her what you yourself can accept in YOUR marriage. She is confusing the concept of being "free" with the concept of being "free from the consequences of her own actions."

**Posted by ThisSeason** February 4, 2019 2:31 pm

walkbymyself put it very well. She is free, but she is not free from the consequences of her actions.

The mind-game that we allow our gay spouses to play on us, and that we play on ourselves, is a horrible one. It takes some type of twisted logic for us to try to justify that it's okay for them to "experiment". It's not. It would never be okay to them if we needed to go out and "experiment" with others sexually.

**Posted by phoenix** February 4, 2019 3:02 pm

walkbymyself wrote:
She is confusing the concept of being "free" with the concept of being "free from the consequences of her own actions."

Well Said!!!!

**Posted by ThisSeason** February 6, 2019 2:06 pm

I hope things are going okay for you LastOne. If your journey is anything like mine, you'll hear a ton of things from your wife that do not really stand up to logic and common sense. I'm not sure how much of their twisted logic and motivations they actually believe, or if they just want to come up with excuses to make themselves look like the victim in this situation.

**Posted by JustSomeone11** February 6, 2019 3:25 pm

Don't let her play mind games on you. She cheated and is cheating, plain and simple.

You did not enter a marriage knowing this about her and she did not consult you before she started having sex with someone else. That is cheating and grounds for divorce in most states.

There are only a few ways these things end;

1) You set hard boundaries, such as she may only play if you are involved. etc. But that is all after she makes amends for cheating, which she did and is doing against your will. Calling it prison is asinine.

2) Open Marriage. Still she must make amends for cheating.

3) Divorce.

I'm almost 7 years from a similar situation. I'm still in my marriage, but I'm not sure really for how long, if I had to go back in time, I would have filed papers the day after finding out. The process is too difficult, end result is not guaranteed by any means, all the work and hurt can be rendered useless.

From the tone of your post, I suggest you visit MarriedRedPill on Reddit. r/marriedredpill and r/askmrp
You need to focus on yourself as well during this. The mindset there will help you.

**Posted by LastOne** February 11, 2019 1:35 pm

Thank you everyone. I am in the middle of it all and your support and continued posts help so much as I am sure most of already know. I am here daily but am remaining silent as these are public forums. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I know that I am not alone.

**Posted by Rob** February 12, 2019 1:32 pm

I recall my GX raged at me for seeking support from my family; I told her I was scared. What I got was more anger and rage and ridicule. It was completely scary..no empathy from my what I thought was my best friend in the entire world but anger and rage.
My fear of the unknown future was far far outweighed by my fear of her and her lack of empathy and morals.

What kind of person makes their spouse or partner feel pure physical fear? Not a spouse that loves you.
That we know in our bones.

**Posted by Violated** February 12, 2019 11:43 pm

Rob, for me it would be easier to divorce that spouse full of anger and rage towards you, than a spouse being a best friend and showing empathy. Her rage and anger would of given me the kick in the ass I needed to divorce.........Just saying......