brainwashedbeard,

I just want to say I know the feeling...don't feel stupid.      My now ex had me convinced that I did something wrong and that I had to go live in a shelter... all while I was paying for everything and she was not..    It took an entire support system of lawyer, psychiatrist, family, friends, SSN to make me realize that what she was saying was not true.     My ex would scream her lies with such conviction  I thought  things she was saying were true.   

Instead of feeling stupid  I think you should be proud you loved authentically and properly giving trust and love as one should.   Now that you know how you've been treated  turn that love toward yourself and who you choose.   These spouses, now,  are not entitled to our love, trust, help, resources anymore... they have forfeited all rights and privileges...

Small steps planning your freedom from the closet.   You in a valley for now.   It is not forever.  We are not stupid; it is only them making us feel that way.