OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Do I let my GID know that "I know" he is gay?

**Posted by Piper55** April 11, 2017 9:21 am

It's been a month since I left my GID's house. I filed for separation with an attorney.
Meanwhile, I wanted to ask: "Do you all let your spouse know that you know he/she is gay?"
My husband is deep, deep in the closet. I wondered if I should reveal to him, what I've long known?
I've been No Contact for a few weeks. He is not contacting me as he did in the past when we'd be apart and the love bombing's from him rained down on me. I guess he's moved on with his lover. I don't know what to do. My "proof"
of his gayness is soooooo intangible.

**Posted by Kel** April 11, 2017 9:30 am

You can let him know that you know, but unless he's willing to know it and admit it himself, it won't matter. Unless he's ready to admit it, you will be wrong, and he will need to prove it - by telling you that you came to this conclusion by being judgemental, close-minded, or needing an excuse to pin your desire to leave the marriage on. It's futile.

Kel

**Posted by Shari** April 11, 2017 11:27 am

Piper,
You'll have to ask yourself why you want him to know that you know...what is your goal? You mentioned that last time he started to love bomb you. Is this your goal? Do you want him to feel uncomfortable? Do you want him to feel like he can talk to you about it? What is your goal? Until you can answer that to yourself, there is no way to determine if you should tell him. I guess I say it that way because if you are separated and you plan t move forward, then there's probably no reason to look back, if even for a moment to tell someone that you are aware of their secret. If you are still grieving and dealing with emotions, then you need to ask if telling him is out of kindness or to try to return some pain. I'm not judging if that's the reason, heaven knows!!!
I feel your struggle!!
Shari

**Posted by phoenix** April 11, 2017 11:49 am

I agree with Shari,

I think you have to analyze your motivation in order to decide if the action is valuable.

If you are trying to get him to admit so that you can have piece of mind.. good luck. He hasn't admitted it yet, so I am doubtful he will admit it now. In fact he'll probably get more angry and feel backed into a corner, which can lead to bad results.

I would ask Sean for his opinion, since he lived the GID life for a while. He's been a fantastic resource for our group. I think his advice is spot on..
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=263&p=56

**Posted by iamthelorax** April 11, 2017 8:22 pm

Hi Piper, is it possible you're trying to get him to tell you the truth?

I confronted my ex in a similar way. I told her straight up that I know she didn't just start to dat a woman like she claimed, I was suspicious of those 2 since before the separation. The result was her spamming me with novel-sized texts about all kinds of things that had nothing to do with it.

It's soon after that, I learned I was never going to get my truth. I wasn't going to get the peace of mind from some honesty out of her because she just doesn't have it in her to give it to me. I had to make peace with the fact that I knew, it was good enough for me and that's all I was going to get.

Just keep in mind that your recovery from the crap you lived is going to come from you; it's unfortunate but your ex isn't going to help you.