OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Narcissism question

**Posted by Nantucket1931** August 22, 2024 4:55 pm

Does anybody know if GID spouses are narcissistic with their same sex partners. Or does the resentment and lies cause narcissistic traits only with the person they aren't truthful with.

I'm just wondering if they become healthy people once they are in their preferred relationship. Or are they still toxic in that as well ?

**Posted by Alex1984** August 22, 2024 5:06 pm

This is an excellent question! Both me and my bi-husband have a very strong and aligned opinion on this. Freud connected homosexuality to narcissism and there is a lot of research supporting this link.

It's an excellent question to ask Sean, the self-proclaimed "recovering narcissist" and the gay ex-husband.
His thread is here:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?pid=41022#p41022

**Posted by Anon 765** August 23, 2024 4:56 pm

Hi Nantucket,

That is a question I am also asking myself.

The reason I wonder is to know if there is ever any hope of having a genuine friendship with my ex going forward. If he really changed deep down inside and was able to be accountable for the harm he caused by being closeted, would I be at peace?

I know I have to get to that place of peace unrelated to him and anything he does. And I've been feeling more and more peaceful. But sometimes the hurt and anger rear their ugly heads, and the doubt (irrational, I know) that this was somehow "all my fault".

There's a book: It's Not You, by Ramani Durvasula, about narcissistic people. It was a true balm for my soul. She says they'll never change, but this is general narcissistic tendencies, not someone who had to act in a self-protective way because they were hiding their true self.

Anon 765

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 24, 2024 2:12 pm

Nantucket1931 wrote:
....I'm just wondering if they become healthy people once they are in their preferred relationship. Or are they still toxic in that as well ?

I've often wondered how many men who've lied about their sexuality end up ruining the second r'ship with a same sex partner.
And then I think...I don't really give a damn.

E

**Posted by lily** August 24, 2024 3:12 pm

Not that long ago I know there was a thing amongst gay men where they warned each other against getting involved with an out of the closet gay man.

my observation is that most married gay men are on the submissive side of the equation. Therefore, and my ex was a classic example of this - therefore they have misgivings about being in a same sex relationship and would rather take on a submissive wife as they can easily be top dog. which says something about their character at the least and a level of selfishness or lack of care of others associated with narcissism.

Sean's wife wasn't straight either. They were both young, it was an equal relationship and however toxic it might have gotten before breaking up it doesn't indicate that narcissism in him so many of us experienced from our spouses and I have always thought of him as a good man.

**Posted by prettysure** August 28, 2024 11:17 am

lily wrote:
...they have misgivings about being in a same sex relationship and would rather take on a submissive wife as they can easily be top dog. which says something about their character at the least and a level of selfishness or lack of care of others associated with narcissism.

It's like I'm reading about myself - I am the submissive wife here, a sweet and mild "go with the flow" personality. Within two weeks of dating my now-husband, he was asking me to do some things none of my straight former partners ever approached. Not saying straight men can't enjoy those things, of course, but I'd always been very open in the bedroom through several relationships with interesting, adventurous partners and his requests still took me by surprise. That said, I wasn't bothered because I love to learn and explore new things. I distinctly remember him saying, "I'm so glad I finally found someone to do this with." and I was so flattered that he felt comfortable with me in that way. As the years have gone on, I've slowly been realizing that he just recognized my people-pleasing and easygoing tendencies right off the bat. He didn't start showing his true colors until after we got married.