OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I’m confused

**Posted by Catlover84** January 17, 2024 11:03 am

I’ve had this nagging gut feeling about my husband the past few months. A little about us: he’s late 60s, I’m late 30s. My second marriage, his third. Please no judgy comments about the age gap. But maybe it does have to do with why he pursued me if he’s in the closet? He’s an old school 100% macho Italian-American

Here are the signs. What do you think?

-my husband’s “deep and darkest” secret was a trans man who had boobs but still had the dick. He said they “hung out for a while”.

-obsessed over anal sex but won’t do it with me (I’ve said ok many times, I like it, so it doesn’t make sense)

-finds every excuse not to have sex, says me initiating is repulsive, never ever goes down on me, when we do have sex he needs me on my stomach to get hard again. Hardly ever looks at me, eyes are closed.

-we listen to z100 morning show on the way to work and he makes fun of Elvis the dj almost every day about him being gay and will mock a guy having sex with one another. Calls people gay slurs.

- born again Christian

-always chooses his male friends over me and acts super defensive when I mention that.

-watches YouTube videos of the same actors (John Travolta, Matt Damon, Leo DiCaprio) and make specific comments about how their hair looked better during ___ age, “he looks great in that hat” lol. He will put these on rotation for HOURS.

-tells me often about how he slept in a bed with a gay man and the guy tried hitting on him, but he turned him down. Such a weird thing to keep bringing up.

-picks fights constantly, makes negative comments about my appearance.

-takes way longer to get ready than me

-his wardrobe literally takes up our entire bedroom.

-crazy about of skin care products

…yet with all this he says he’s obsessed with boobs. But he also rarely touches mine (and they’re nice- nor saggy and 34DD).

-said when a man sleeps with another man he will most likely become gay (odd thing to say, and has said if a few times?)

Emotionally distant, can’t count on him to talk with me if I’m down.

My sister is gay and said years ago I’m a gag hag and will always be attracted to/attract gay men (my LT bf turned out gay)

So am I being delusional and is it obvious?

Last edited by Catlover84 (January 17, 2024 11:04 am)

**Posted by Rob** January 17, 2024 3:27 pm

Several red flags like derogatory gay talk and not being that into you.

One thing we've seen over and over again is how well the gay in denial spouses hide or down play their same sex attraction. It often translates into not being that into us.

The real question is are you happy with how he treats you and is he trustworthy. Because gay or straight..you should be treated with love and not emotionally abused or gaslighted etc. Physical neglect is a form of abuse no matter what he says.

**Posted by lily** January 17, 2024 3:37 pm

I echo what Rob says.

I'm guessing that writing this list has been enough in itself to confirm diagnosis of gay.

I think there's just a lot of gay in denial people. And they are the ones that are first on the mat when it comes to dating. My theory is it is easier for a gay in denial man to approach a woman than a straight man who is so much more affected.

**Posted by Catlover84** January 17, 2024 5:43 pm

True. I told him last night it’s becoming obvious he’s gay and he said “you must be proud of yourself”. That’s an odd response and not really denial

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 17, 2024 9:02 pm

Catlover84 wrote:
.
“you must be proud of yourself”.

Sounds like he's gearing up to put all the blame on you...for discovering he's gay.

Don't let him bulldoze you into his denial

Elle