OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / new mindset

**Posted by M-Kate** December 22, 2023 11:50 am

I'm going to try to stop thinking of my bisexual husband as my "husband" and start thinking of him as my "friend". It might help me to redefine the relationship in my mind. I have to accept that the marriage that I thought I had was really just a fantasy & never really existed.

We went out to a holiday dinner last night with our best friends. They don't know. He's very much in the closet. I think I'm the only one who knows that he's bisexual. He's 69 years old. He will likely never tell anyone. He says that it's not their business. I guess that's true, but it's all so very strange. I think about whether I will tell people if he should happen to die before I do. I'd like to think that I would not.

I don't care as much about things that I used to care about. I don't trust my own judgement since he was able to deceive me for 29 years about something so fundamental. I never would have believed that he would cheat. I wonder about what's real and what's not real. I never thought that at my age I would feel so insecure, jealous and worried. I get the impression that these feelings are typical for straight spouses.

One day at a time. I wish you all peace this holiday season.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 22, 2023 7:24 pm

Yes yes yes Mkate

I love and applaud this decision of yours to view your r'ship and the man who changed it to suit himself.. as something that can only be changed by you.

The only way to go is up for you.... I'll see you when you reach the top. 😊

Elle

**Posted by ZBumgarner** December 27, 2023 7:44 am

When do I start feeling better? When do I stop doubting every man....thinking they are secretly gay like my ex? It's been 6 years......and I'm still catching my breath.

Last edited by ZBumgarner (December 27, 2023 7:44 am)

**Posted by Rob** December 27, 2023 8:31 am

ZBumgarner,

There is no set time to feeling better... I recall during my divorce when I was physically shaking and needed pills to function... my GX (and her lawyer )told me something like "the emotional time has passed" ..narcissistically dictating to me how I should feel.. And that is when I realized what separated me on a moral and human level from her... I could not discard and abuse someone I loved. That they could means;
a.) They never really really loved us on a core level
b.) They are just shitty and broken people. (could not think of a more accurate word).

It takes you as long as it takes you.. we love, we feel.. this is what separates us from them. It is a good thing.

As for not trusting.. This site proves there are good straight men out there. I can assure they exist...if you put a gun to my head I would not like guys. There are also men out there that keep their promises and say what they really mean and do what they say...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 27, 2023 12:43 pm

ZBumgarner wrote:
When do I start feeling better? When do I stop doubting every man....thinking they are secretly gay like my ex? It's been 6 years......and I'm still catching my breath.

Nobody else can live your life for you .... You're driving it 😊 you are in control so why be apprehensive about something, someone.... that may never eventuate.
Take each moment, each day and live it, know you can ask questions of any man and if the answers don't feel right...talk some more to really feel comfortable.
I don't know why people feel they need to jump straight back into seeing the opposite sex as a romantic possibility. Gays are people too...we just don't want to fuck them right?

Your goal now shouldn't be deciding correctly if any man is gay, it should be getting to know people...any person...as the new you, accepting them for who they are but knowing you are in control.

I had to see the wrong in what was done to my r'ship to be able to be angry enough to know I deserved more but that it was up to me and this was not going to destroy me

Elle