Sometimes I am amazed at the expectations some of our partners have or had. Do not let her manipulate you into thinking that she is the victim. As much as possible, try going no contact, except for parenting things. If she tries to change the topic - cut and run. If she is a narcissist, the common tactic is to regain control. When rebuked, or control is not offered, anger can ensue. Eventually they may move on to new targets.

Good luck, try to "grey rock" the situation as best you can. Find healthy ways to vent.
 

Daryl is spot on. My ex is a narc. She is an actual psychologist and for ears taught me about the condition, under the guise of teaching me why my father is such a piece of shit. Turns out, she was describing herself the entire time. Upon finding out of her affair, everything was "my fault", while at the same time, "I was the best husband anyone could ever ask for". We reached 3 agreements to dissolve the marriage of 19 years...each time she refused to sign. Ultimately went all the way to court so she could take half of everything and say "it wasnt me, it was the courts, you should not have filed". But as I shared, she reached 3 agreements prior and never had any intention on signing them. Some of these people are absolutely disguisting. I have gone no-contact except for kids and its clear it enrages her. She calls me names while the kids are around (found out from former mutual friends) and blames me for everything all while playing the poor victim who had no idea she was a lesbian....

Stay strong. I have never been in a better place in life. Focus on your kids, even when you dont think it matters, it does. Focus inward on healing yourself and why you allowed yourself to be treated poorly. Upon examination, I too, found I thought I always had this great relationship, but the reality was it was all effort from me. She never tried much nor cared. Hard lesson, but invaluable. 

Stay strong! 

Blackie563 wrote:

Daryl is spot on. My ex is a narc. She is an actual psychologist and for ears taught me about the condition, under the guise of teaching me why my father is such a piece of shit. Turns out, she was describing herself the entire time. Upon finding out of her affair, everything was "my fault", while at the same time, "I was the best husband anyone could ever ask for". We reached 3 agreements to dissolve the marriage of 19 years...each time she refused to sign. Ultimately went all the way to court so she could take half of everything and say "it wasnt me, it was the courts, you should not have filed". But as I shared, she reached 3 agreements prior and never had any intention on signing them. Some of these people are absolutely disguisting. I have gone no-contact except for kids and its clear it enrages her. She calls me names while the kids are around (found out from former mutual friends) and blames me for everything all while playing the poor victim who had no idea she was a lesbian....

Stay strong. I have never been in a better place in life. Focus on your kids, even when you dont think it matters, it does. Focus inward on healing yourself and why you allowed yourself to be treated poorly. Upon examination, I too, found I thought I always had this great relationship, but the reality was it was all effort from me. She never tried much nor cared. Hard lesson, but invaluable. 

Stay strong! 

This sounds horrible, I'm so sorry! Sadly, I found myself thinking while reading this that I wish my ex had refused to sign and that she wanted to stay with me...but she didn't. It sounds like you were the stronger party in your case.

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this.  It is a very confusing place to be when you love someone completely and then all of a sudden have the rug pulled out from under you.  I was in a spot sort of like yours--had been with my first love for 24 years, married 19 when we separated (he is trans).  We were best friends, soul mates, had been through so much together.  I never thought that there would be a future without him.  But, life had other plans.  We, too, went through therapy and there was a period where the physical intimacy radically increased.  At first, I tried my best to support him--took him shopping, did his makeup, told him it would be ok, etc.  But then I had a nervous breakdown.  I realized that I was sacrificing myself and my happiness for him and the marriage (something I had done basically throughout the whole marriage before the gender issues).  

I'm not saying that you two won't be able to make it work.  I just see a lot of the same patterns that happened to me.  Finally, I had to stop and really think about myself--being in that marriage (that had other problems as well) was affecting me horribly mentally, physically, and emotionally.  He needed to be free to find himself, and I needed to realize that my happiness mattered too.  The person I knew was gone...the life I had was gone...  

Take your time.  This is not a decision to make lightly.  For me, it was a multi-year process.  We did marriage counseling and then five years later things really bad again.  The first time around, I felt that I had to try.  The second time, I knew that I had given it my best and that it just wasn't going to work.  Should I have left 5 years ago?  Maybe.  But I know I would have always doubted myself.  Now, I can walk away with more reassurance that I did what I could have and that I made the right decision.

Good luck!