So, I was chatting with my mom and brought up that I decided to join an online dating site, just to see what's out there. Didn't realize I was on speaker phone. And then got to listen to my dad go off about how "it's too soon", "you don't need to date", "you're not ready" on and on.....basically highlighting a dozen times that it's way too soon to even be thinking about this.
Honestly. People don't get it.
For the past years of my marriage I have felt like an androgenous, unattractive blob. My gay husband didn't look at me with any desire. I would dress up, do my hair, makeup, the whole nine yards for a date night....and he would do this off hand "you look nice". I just wanted to scream that I don't want to look nice!!!! I want to look amazing, sexy, like you can't wait to get your hands on me, that you want to show me off and that you desire me.
I want to feel like a woman. Honestly, I became disgusted with myself. I felt like the ugliest person on the planet. And I became very depressed. I ate my emotions and gained weight. Which just made me hate myself even more.
Right now I don't care if I find a man. Right now I just want to have some fun and meet people. And if anything comes of it, great, if not, great.
I grew up in a strict, religious home. I never really dated. I met my gay husband (who ironically was raised with no religion, restrictions, and very open parents). And I refuse to feel bad or guilty for talking to other men or going out for a coffee.
I feel like I've done my time. And no one gets it.
