Posted by lily  May 2, 2022 1:57 pm | #11 |
The reason you can't get your concerns out of your head is because you have every reason to be concerned. So you talk about your concerns with her and feel all is fine and how much you love her and then a short while later your concerns resurface - this is because your concerns haven't actually been addressed, just smoothed over.
Of course gender matters - do you want to have sex with a man? or does the thought make you go oh, no thanks.
imo 'pan' can pretty simply be translated into gay in denial.
And of course you are right of course it is interfering with your physical relationship, your marriage and life with your kids. not to mention - it might be virtual but she is back out there in the dating pool. The concern she might meet someone is totally valid. The fact that she wants to do it speaks volumes in itself and all of it hurts.
That she feels she can get you to accept it without any consequences is a concern - if that's what she wants to do then yes of course you are going to accept that she does but it is what it is. It's happened and now you must put all your effort into helping yourself - it's like that thing about oxygen masks on planes - put your own on first then you can help your children. In that virtual reality we have in our heads be your own best friend, park self doubt and criticism at the door for a while, You have a lot of thinking to do.
Here's an experiment you could try - say no. Tell her it hurts too much and you will need to separate if it continues - is she concerned for your emotional pain, does she take the idea of separation seriously or does she backtrack if you stand firm.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz May 2, 2022 1:59 pm | #12 |
My comments in red
Atriumsarc wrote:
....... also being Pan she has no judgment so gender doesnt matter. Gender does matter. You're straight, you have judgment. She's pansexual, she has judgment too because that is her measure.
I mean its nothing physical like i set my boundaries for this is exactly what i want to give her but how do i tell myself its just over the internet its not interfering with our physical relationship or our marriage and the life we have with our kids. But it is interfering. It's interfering with your emotions, with how you see yourself, your family, your partner. The love you have for your family and keeping it together, even though your wife wants to change the dynamics of it, is bigger than your own self-preservation. That sounds harsh but I don't think non-straight people see or feel the way we do. If sex was a spectrum...non-straights can slide further, be comfortable in places we wouldn't be.
Here's a thought. Accept all this. Are you strong enough to have it in your head everyday, knowing that she's chatting/talking/seeing/imagining/pining for people other than you? Because that's what it comes down to....how are you going to feel.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Gloria May 5, 2022 8:50 am | #13 |
Atriumsarc. do what you think is best for you. Many straight spouses here live with their gay or lesbian spouse.
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Posted by witty_response May 6, 2022 9:09 am | #14 |
First of all, I am really sorry to hear this my man. I am in a similar boat. For what is is worth, here is my opinion. She needs to explicitly specify what sex she wants to date (this is a critical step that needs to be done ASAP). If she wants to ONLY date men, then I'm sorry to say this, but she's probably not attracted to you or not happy with your sex life. If she mentions women AT ALL, then this is probably the first step in her "finding out" that she is either 1) a lesbian, 2) trans, or 3) both. Of course she will likely deny it at this stage, as she may not know herself or be burying it so deep she cannot access it (however, it will come out in subconscious ways). It sounds like you are a "safe" base for exploration. I assume you are the breadwinner? If so, she is even safer. 1.5 years into a marriage (with a child!) is a hell of a timeline to express the fact that one wants to basically go against the primary assumption of marriage (ie that assumption of monogamy)! That definitely should have been disclosed prior to marriage and prior to child rearing. If this came out right after the child, she may have realized that she had achieved what she'd been told all her life would make her happy (marriage, kids, domestic life), and then found herself unhappy. Perhaps maybe she thinks that if she just adds one more sexual partner to the mix then she will find happiness...only I think she will find it will just be way more net misery (once the shiny newness has worn off and the relationship becomes too complicated or stale, plus the damage it afflicts on you and y'alls life). This is when she will likely find that what she wanted was not more sexual partners, but that she wants a female partner or would like to be a man (or both). This is just my opinion. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that this is ultimately where things are going based on what you've said. I come from a polygamously-rooted community and know a thing or two about people thinking more sex partners are going to fill the hole they have inside them, only to find another hole...
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Posted by witty_response May 6, 2022 12:32 pm | #15 |
Poly meaning she just wants to be able to flirt around/ engage in mental/emotional desires with others in Virtual Reality and if the connection is there engage in sexual activites on vrchat aswell, also being Pan she has no judgment so gender doesnt matter. I mean its nothing physical like i set my boundaries for this is exactly what i want to give her but how do i tell myself its just over the internet its not interfering with our physical relationship or our marriage and the life we have with our kids.
This is utter poppycock.
She is lying to herself if she thinks this will not impact you, her relationship to you, or her life in general. You are lying to yourself if you think that it will not escalate and that just because it is "not physical" it doesn't "mean" anything or is harmless. My wife was carrying on a sexual exchange with an online role playing partner and I will tell you exactly what will happen, because it happened to me. VR or online chat or online role play is super dangerous (maybe more so that in IRL fling) because she is in complete FANTASY. Since its disembodied, not REALITY gets in the way. This is like the boys that are so addicted to hentai that they cannot engage with a real woman because of all the "imperfections," and to a lesser degree, men that become addicted to tradition porn (this less so because they are real people, just really attractive and talented at sex). Some OTHER PERSON is getting access to her INNER WORLD that you, her spouse, CANNOT. It will become completely addictive because you CANNOT COMPARE, and oddly enough, she will resent you for that. You don't know all the kinks, all the turns ons, all the emotions she will reveal to these STRANGERS. SInce it's VR and a stranger, she will have NOTHING TO LOSE, unlike sex with you or a person IRL. That means she can be MORE INTIMATE AND OPEN. That stranger then has access to parts of YOUR SPOUSE she will not share with you and this, no matter what you or her think, will divide you. Here is how it will likely play out behaviorally: She will withdraw further from you sexually until you are barely having sex at all. She will resent having sex with you because you are not privy to what she really wants (because she barred you from that) and / or not ideal. She will start to neglect her duties around the house (whatever they may be) to stay online and have VR sex, and resent anything (even her kids) that separates her from her true passion -- VR sex (and illusory fantasy). Eventually the VR sex will not be enough (just like a drug, she will habituate and need to escalate in order to get "the high") and she will do other things like sexting with photos, chat or text sexting, and eventually, she will have to try it IRL. This will lead to 1 of 2 things. One, she will enjoy it and further withdraw from you for this new person, or 2 it will not be a good experience (this is more likely because people that do this online can rarely do it just as well IRL, and she may be being catfished) and she will find a new VR partner and repeat the process. Meanwhile you and the kids will be left in the dust, because you are not as thrilling as her fantasy world. I know you think that just because she's not a bar talking to a stranger that this is not a big deal, but this is like fentanyl vs 5mg oxy. The 5mg oxy is easy to stop, but once you go full fentayl, you are in big trouble.
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