My comments in red 

PaperDoll wrote:

How am I supposed to get through each day without raging and blowing up at him in texts? How? Well for a start you think about what all those words in your ragey texts would look like in your head if you didn't send them. They'd be taunting you, stopping you from moving forward, making you more hesitant. Stopping your head from thinking about your journey out of this Mindfuck. Better out than in is my opinion.
 I am journaling every day and reading alot about affairs and sometimes I even think that I'm (not) okay but at least settled. Yeah....journaling is great. Make sure you keep all of it so you can look back and see how you've progressed. The day will come when you no longer need it to refer to. 
He is contrite and takes full blame for the affair and fault out in trust. Yeah yeah....they're all contrite on the surface
That doesn't stop me from being hurt and angry and wanting to punish him.  A lot of the information I am reading says that it takes 2 years to fully deal with infidelity.  I can barely get through 2 hours! My timeline was...
Day one of Mindfuck......after reading about couples and how they got through this and how long it took I set a 3 year limit to monitor where I was/we were. At 3 years our r'ship I felt our r'ship hadn't improved so made the decision to no longer be intimate. It's been 2 years now. We're totally stuck in this Mindfuck lol but I turn 65  next year so we'll see if I can extricate myself then. 
Paperdoll you'll keep wanting to punish him until he ceases to matter to your progress. Until you see yourself as not needing to have somebody to blame, until you start seeing yourself as an individual and not as a couple 
  

 

Elle
 

PaperDoll wrote:

Wow Elle!  That sounds similar to our timeline, he is retiring next month, me in 3 years.  I loved your last sentence.  So powerful!

 

Ranting, raving, staying angry, sending texts will only prolong your torment...understand? And it'll only be tolerable to a certain point. The times I would bow up! and become emotional did the worst damage to my soul, because it made me hate myself, who I was, my age, my face, my body, you name it !@#$% 
Sadly..to save myself I had to stop giving him any of me, which makes us a housemates with rather a sterile r'ship but if that's what it has to be that is what it will be. He's okay with it, me too.
Do you still sleep together....still intimate?