It sounds to me as if you are not in denial anymore. As for being "really confused" I suggest that you take stock of your resources because the more can pull together the more options you will have.

Are you employed now? Are you planning to continue working and do you have childcare help available? Do you have family and/or friends who will  be supportive of your choices?  Without telling him, consult an attorney where you live to find out what the laws are where you are residing and what you can reasonably anticipate if you decide to divorce him. Don't listen to his negativity because it is a way to keep you around as a wife appliance - free housekeeping and childcare but no love and affection.

I shut down myself for 30+ years, trying to believe my now-ex's denials that he might be gay and accepting from him an attitude that I was guilty of something so bad that it could not even be discussed. He meanwhile  was forming his own a gay support network and, when he was ready - and his parents were dead - he finally came out of the closet.

I was fortunate that I was near retirement age and there were assets to be divided. With the help of a good attorney these have given me the ability to build a happier new life. There is no making up lost time however.

I wish you all the best.











i
 

rachey, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  It's so very difficult, we've all been there.  Some of us stay, some of us leave, but it's really hard no matter which way you go.

It doesn't seem to me that you're confused -- it seems that you're really clear-eyed about what's going on.  Don't beat yourself up about what you should have known years ago, right now you seem to understand what it is you want for your own future.  

rachey wrote:

.... This totally has made it hard for me to open up about my situation to anyone. I do not have any close friends anymore. . I resent my family for not noticing something was wrong with my marriage. They think he is a very sweet guy and adore him as he gets along very well with them. 

We are both employed.... he is always broke. So I end up chipping in to cover some other expenses which leaves me with nothing to save up. I think I can afford to live on my own. 

I am miserable and would want a divorce but I am more worried about it affecting the kids. How do I know what's best for the kids? Won't they resent me for breaking the family or blame themselves as it seems this is coming soon after they were born yet I had stayed in the marriage for a long time before them. What motivates someone to stay or leave. For those who left at what point did your tell your spouses that you wanted out

Hey Rachey.... When I first joined the Forum I thought I must be the only New Zealander here. Overtime I discovered at least 2 other NZers... And there will be more, most people may feel like they'd be in a spotlight coming from a small country. What I'm trying to say is... Even though you think you have nobody to talk to... There will be men and women in your area who are living and experiencing what you are. It is a lonely place to be but you have to find the strength to not keep it inside yourself, and to confide in a friend or trusted family member

As for money.... STOP chipping in. Tell your husband you've spent all yours 🙃 get crafty, stand up for the work you* do, the money you* earn.

My children were all grown when this happened to me. I suppose I have to thank time for that. Would you rather your children grow up with an unhappy mother or teach them by example how to make good decisions so the life they live is a happy one?

I'm still with my bisexual partner. I'm here for the financial security. There is no intimacy in our r'ship.

Elle


 

I finally gathered up strength last week and told him I couldn't stretch myself financially. He then spent three days giving me the silent treatment. He would come home very late and leave before I even woke up. I just ignored the situation and didn't bother to ask him about what was going on. He then broke the silence when he wanted to know if I was strong enough to attend a friend's wedding that was coming up. Of course we attended the wedding. Whilst there he randomly said to me 'i still love you'. I haven't been this confused in my life and I'm contemplating asking him what he meant when he said those words.