OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Follow up: Inflection Point (in need of advice)

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 23, 2021 9:57 am

I have started to strategically separate as much as I can from my husband of 16 years (I don't think I mentioned how long we had been married in my first post). I am the primary provider for our children and household. The ironic part is my Best Friend (since 13 years old) is a good Family Law Attorney, but I feel it's too early to involve her because of her connection to my family. My husband is like a brother to her. We are Godparents to their children. I will eventually have a conversation with her once I have made an effort to figure all of this out and stabilize! Do you have any advice on involving close mutual friends of ours? I have reached out to another friend for Family Law Attorney referrals.

For 16 years, my husband has had the luxury to pursue his career and dreams at my expense. He doesn't even know how much we pay monthly in household expenses ( mortgage and 3 private school tuition). He's been away since Thanksgiving but coming home for a week tomorrow. It's only 7 days and I want to be wise. Since I am just starting to make my moves, I don't want to alert him. Before I found this group, I have asked him to get his mobile service for his devices, and I am canceling his gym membership as I am cutting my expenses due to end-of-year planning with our Financial advisor. I told him the advisor says we need to cut costs to afford the private schools.

Here is my question:
How should I navigate any discussions because I KNOW he will try to manipulate the situation?

**Posted by Abby** December 23, 2021 12:22 pm

I suggest keeping your cards close to your chest and not having conversations with your attorney friend or anyone else yet. Once you have your family lawyer referrals from your other friend start making appointments to select the one you want. You probably will need to retain a new financial adviser assuming that the present one has advised both or you. Since both of these professions get very busy at the beginning of the year get on this ASAP in 2022.

I have no suggestions on how to be in the same place at the same time with your husband but I'd recommend avoiding close mutual friends and others outside your family for in-person contacts. This new Omicron variant is very contagious and lots of people are changing their plans now. Nobody wants to hear more bad news now so keep distanced interactions light.

Focus on making this holiday season as stress-free as you can for your children and remind him of them if he forgets.

Here's to a better 2022!

**Posted by walkbymyself** December 23, 2021 3:46 pm

Also, your friend is likely to be understanding about your desire not to involve her professionally in the divorce process. Very often a lawyer will have to tell the client things the client doesn't want to hear. It can be really difficult blending the "friend" relationship with the "lawyer/client" one.

Does your husband know you intend to file for divorce?

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 23, 2021 3:58 pm

Thank you Abby and WalkbyMyself! I will keep the focus on my children during the holiday.

No WalkbyMyself. I have no plans to mention any of my moves to him. He will leave for 3 months which will provide a peaceful environment to consider all of my options. My plan is to get through next 7 days with my children. I can now clearly see my GID husband. He has an internal conflict and he can no longer use me as a shield.

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (December 23, 2021 4:52 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 23, 2021 4:43 pm

gwendolyn_C wrote:
....... I can now clearly see my GID husband. He has an internal conflict and he can no longer use me as a shield.

You've got this Gwen! Time and space....so helpful

Elle