MJM017 wrote:

I support non-binary civil rights, but would not continue a relationship with a him who wanted to turn into a them. That's a dealbreaker for me.

Maybe a trial separation may give you both a breather. You're both trying too hard to change each other's mind. That'll never work.
 

I think that's what's going to happen, just by default but also by choice.  When we move back to the US, we can't stay at mom's because they hate each other (or rather, they really like each other - or did, anyway - but are both semi-feral when it comes to dealing with other human beings).  So we need to rent while we look for a home to buy, which we can't afford because of the insane property market, and I don't really want to buy a house for "us" when I'm not sure there's going to be an "us."  So I think we'll rent a small place, and I suspect I'll spend most of my time at family's.  Part of me just wants to take off with the dog and disappear wandering somewhere....

You're both trying too hard to change each other's mind. That'll never work.  I keep trying to explain that to my spouse - that intellectual understanding of the dynamics of nonbinaryness isn't going to make me love it in her, or change my sexual orientation.  Or fix her CPTSD anger etc.  And by the same token, her understanding my feelings and perspective isn't going to convince her to go back to being a woman and being the kind, lovely, gentle, free-spirited person I married.

I tried to get us to agree on some ground rules the other day, and reminded her that our relationship was on shaky grounds and communication was bad long before she brought up the gender stuff.  Because she now acts like that's the major issue when for me really it's just the tip of the iceberg.  If our relationship was great and loving and connected, who knows I might have responded differently.  I told her that, and said we need to repair things aside from the gender issue.  I suggested we just back off trying to be a couple for now, and try to just rebuild a basic friendship.  Because friends don't usually treat each other as badly as people in a messed up relationship do.  So we'd still do nice things together, but stop talking about the relationship issues all the time - just leave it alone until we find a couples counselor and try to reconnect a little.  She agreed, but has been angry or sullen or hostile ever since.  So a bit more hope drains away....

Chump Lady has a couple of good phrases that describe trying to talk sensibly with unreasonable, entitled people: "Word salad" and "don't stick your head in the mindfuck blender."  Your descriptions of trying to engage logically with your wife fit these ideas perfectly.  Perhaps your experience of seeing your wife's reaction to your giving your wife some of the comments here has made clear to you the uselessness of such a move. Engaging with her is not advancing any understanding between the two of you, although it may be making clear to you that you cannot continue in a relationship with your wife.  What she seems to be doing is attacking you for not accepting her beliefs; what she is not doing is making any move to leave herself, given that you have made it clear you don't accept them.  

   I'd also like to say that although you may be feeling held hostage by your wife's emotional dysregulation, her mental state is not your responsibility, nor is it yours to manage or heal.  It's hers.  
 
 It sounds to me that you are in general a "fixer," running interference between your wife and your family, trying to manage your wife's mental instability.  This undoubtedly makes it more difficult to disengage and focus on your own needs and desires.  

 If I may offer advice: moving back to the US is the ideal time and perfect opportunity for you to separate.  This doesn't mean just leaving her in the lurch; you can help negotiate the rental of a studio apartment for her (with her name on the rental agreement).  

 I'm glad you have a meeting with a new therapist set up.  I hope you will also consult a lawyer or two, in order to gather information about legal separation and divorce.  Consulting a lawyer doesn't obligate you; it does provide you with information that can help you understand what your options are.