OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Willing to do different stuff in bed to stop him from stepping out

**Posted by jeffmaxwellsucks** December 21, 2020 12:48 pm

It has occurred to me that maybe I can fix this by introducing new things to our sex life. I ran this by him and he says he thinks that it would be a set back for him if we did anything like that. He has been cheating for 18 years with Trans prostitutes. We've been married for 20 with a 17 yo and 15yo. Is it so out of the realm of possibility for us to explore some of this together (if we choose to stay together which i don't know if that will happen)? He is still begging for forgiveness, has told me everything I ever wanted to know about it and then some. He swears he is straight and this is/was an addiction. And he swears he has no desire to do this anymore. Both of us in therapy separately and still less than a month since Discovery Day. Anyone else have these thoughts and if so have you delved into it?

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 21, 2020 1:10 pm

Based on my very traumatic experience doing what you are contemplaing, I very much urge you not to pursue "exploring" any of this with your husband. It will do damage to you psychologically. Plus, his reaction--that he does not wish to do this with you--tells you that he does not want to "share" this experience with you.

I would also say that a man who has been having sex with trans prostitutes for 18 of the 20 years of your marriage has not lost his desire to do so. It is much more likely that he is in full damage control mode and will say whatever he thinks will prevent your revealing it or divorcing him. Nor is a man who frequents trans prostitutes for 18 years straight. Labeling his desire to have sex with trans prostitutes "an addiction" is an attempt to minimize and deflect.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 21, 2020 5:03 pm)

**Posted by TangledOil** December 21, 2020 1:22 pm

I’ve heard other men say they fetishize trans women. They may say they are straight and call it a kink. Whatever it is, I highly doubt they are straight. Is this something you really want to be a part of? I’d think long and hard about this. I also think it’s highly unlikely he’ll be able to forgo this if he’s been at it for nearly two decades.

**Posted by Lorelei** December 21, 2020 2:38 pm

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I’m new to all this myself. I did want you to know you aren’t alone as I too thought the same thing. My husband is bi (I think) I’m just not sure I could actually do it and I know I couldn’t right now because I would only be doing it for him not because it’s something I want to try myself.

Last edited by Lorelei (December 21, 2020 2:39 pm)

**Posted by SusanneH** December 21, 2020 5:39 pm

I’m not sure I understood you correctly. Are you saying you actually want to go with him when he has sex with Trans prostitutes? That’s a new one on me. I’ve heard of sitting in and watching, maybe someone known?, but not to go to a prostitute with a man/woman. I truly don’t think that’s a good idea. I couldn’t handle watching it myself.
If you’re trying to help things, perhaps start with a therapist. Most start with individual therapists, and then after they get a good footing, go to a marriage counselor together.
Or, talking to each other, getting books on the subject and looking online to educate yourselves and talk to each other.....talking is good.
But, if he isn’t willing to stop, it’s going to be up to you as to how to proceed.
If you’re wanting to add things to your sex life, maybe add them to your bedroom. Sex toys are good. Some couples go to the ‘toy store’ together and that puts some fun in it and can take the scariness and seriousness out.
The one thing I wouldn’t do is go with him to a prostitute.
Good luck with whatever you both decide.